As you may know I'm not big on the whole sleep thing, and I'm also not big on the whole "studying for that Math final I have tomorrow" thing either. So here I am making another entry into El Blog.

I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life once I get out of this school. I will hopefully have a masters degree in econ which should give me some earning power, and I guess at this point thats what I'm most concerned with. That may sound pretty callous, but I really need/want money so I can be independent for once in my life, and not rely on people to support me. I never saw myself as having these kinds of goals until right now, and I feel a little bummed out that this is what it has come down to. I feel like my dreams have died a little bit, I don't know where they died or when I stopped really wanting to be things, but they have.

That said, upon realizing this sobering fact, I have felt a tiny sprout of my former idealism spring up within me over the last few weeks. I think it started when I listened to a talk on a CD by Howard Zinn on Napster earlier this month. His thoughts on history made me remember how I used to view the world as place that we have the duty to change and to change for the better. I heard him talk about his heroes, and I thought about my heroes and what they did, and then I wondered if I would ever be anyone's hero. I guess as long as I think about things in terms of how they benefit me, I won't ever be that to anyone...

This finals period has been the toughest one yet at BU. Usually I feel very confident and sure of myself going into the finals and then walk out with the same confidence, thinking I had aced the test and gotten an A in the class. On this, I was usually correct; in my first four semesters here I didn't get anything lower than an A-. However, this term, the grad courses are really ruining my mojo, and I can tell you with some confidence that my streak of no B's will end this semester. For the first time, I feel really nervous going into these things, and unsure if I grasp all the material. I think I'm going to have to change the way I conduct myself during the semester to remedy this. The tricks that minimized the amount of working I had to do to get A's in my undergrad courses apparently don't work when you kick it up a level. I'm going to need to work harder during the semester to have things pay off at the end.

Part 2

Hi, I’m Patrick. I wish everything were as easy as calculus, because calculus is pretty easy and everything else is pretty hard. Well there’s history too. History is also easy. So isn’t Spanish I guess, but it’s such an annoying class. How do they expect me to keep everything together like that? I have to keep track of all those workbook pages, notebooks, vocabulary lists, and flash cards. I ace all of the tests but I lose half of the stuff, so I get Bs. But yeah, anyway, other than that stuff, life is pretty hard. Oh well, of course, I don’t even count Theology, it’s not even a real class. Well I mean I would say that outside academics life is pretty hard, but then I’d be ignoring AP Physics, because AP Physics is fucking hard.

Anyway, life is hard mainly because I suck at it. I feel so lonely all the time and I don’t think anybody understands me. High school does that to you. I thought high school would be a big improvement for me, but it turns out it’s just a lot tougher. I guess kids here are nice, everybody here, except for a few guys, seem nice. But I don’t know, I don’t think they take me seriously, I don’t think anybody takes me seriously. I feel like I say the wrong things all the time, and people kind of take me as a joke, not as someone they want to be friends with or get to know or whatever.

Well, everybody except Jason. Jason really is someone different and special. He’s an amazing guy, and so interesting. Every time I talk to him, we end up getting into a deep conversation about something. I’ve never had that kind of conversation with anyone else. It always makes me feel so unbelievably good.

I think I like him as more than just a friend. Which is scary, you know? I always kind of felt that I was gay. I remember at basketball practices in junior high, I would be fixated on the guys on the skins team. It was very distracting! I also remember not being so interested in the playboys that other guys used to bring in back then as well. It was something I should’ve seen coming I guess. I’ve never felt like this, though. Every time I see him I feel like I’m going to burst with joy. Especially on days like today when he’s wearing his blue polo shirt. It’s very hard to keep my eyes off him. I mean of course I get to stare at those blue eyes of his when we talk, but that’s not really enough when he’s wearing the blue shirt. It’s the lightest, gentlest blue you’ve ever seen, and it made his eyes light up and sparkle, even on grey mornings in that gloomy cafeteria.

I dream constantly about us going to Mexico together. Get out of this high school, and find some quiet place. I could imagine him and me in a car with an open top, something from the 50s. He’d give me that smile like he always would. He’d always be there, he’d never leave. He’d be wearing that shirt, we’d pick up dust, red dust from the New Mexico desert. We wouldn’t need money, we’d sleep in the car. We could steal food. Every night I’d look into his eyes and I’d kiss him, and I’d fall asleep on his chest, and that’s how it would be for the rest of our lives.

I wish I had the fucking courage to do something like that. Fuck I’ll be behind some desk or something in 8 years not in Mexico with the guy I love. Fuck, I’ll probably still be lonely like I am now. I can’t expect Jason to always be with me. He dates a fucking cheerleader from his hometown, fuck, I’m better than any cheerleader but I have a penis.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? That’s how I feel now, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I love him so much, but I don’t know that it is love. Can you love someone without them loving you back? I don’t know. I wish I could look into his eyes and know, and let him know when he looks back into mine. I wish we could go to Mexico.

Trippiest Entry Ever

Forever and ever and ever into oblivion we go. Guided by nothing but ourselves, we live lives that are chaotic tumbling dreams, going from scene to scene, with nothing to ground us. We have everything, but we are nothing, and there is no truth to guide us.

Hello, I am a ghost. Perhaps you are confused, perhaps that is because you never met a ghost before. Well, if you aren’t and if you have, excuse me for presuming, but if you are and if you haven’t, let me assure you that I am real and that there is no need to be frightened. I can no more harm you than you can harm me, and that is very little. You and I may have the illusion of being close to each other, but that is just an illusion. It is much like how the person you talk to on the phone may seem so very near to you but is actually many miles away. Well, I am more than miles away, I exist in a wholly different universe than you, but much like your friend on a telephone is able to connect with you through technology, I have been brought to you through the mysterious workings of the cosmos.

What universe am I from? Well I think your language and your conception of reality could scarcely do it justice. The beings that exist here are ones of a spiritual nature. We are bodies who are composed of emotions, dreams, thoughts, and feelings rather than blood and flesh. We are not necessarily just the “souls” of the dead, but also abstract ideas, ideals, and even the consciences of beings that exist in your universe. We are created not through physical sexuality, but through the interaction of beings in the physical universe. We grow and change not by eating food, but through the spiritual development of beings in your Universe. That is not to say that we are wholly subject to you, in many ways you are subject to us, for it is emotions that drive your interactions, and it is your thoughts and ideals which makes up a large part of who you are. To even talk about “you” and “us” is a mistake, for we are connected so completely that it would not be possible for us to exist without you, nor would it be possible for you to exist without us. You have a sense of us interacting in your lives, we have the same sense, but neither of us can conceive of the goings on in the two universes except for rare experiences like this, when you can see the embodiment of a being from our universe in a physical sense, and I can see you in an abstract sense.

Is this where you go when you die? You can think of it that way, emotions and abstractions never die, and you physical beings create wonderful beings in our universe that exist throughout all physical time that continue to interact and grow even after the physical body is dead. The abstract being that you could say was created by the physical being you call John Lennon interacts with other abstract beings currently living in your physical world through the music the physical being created. Though even the least famous human being in your universe continues to exist and grow in our universe after the physical being is dead. The things that the person said to others can and do form chains of connection and emotional interaction that stretch for thousands of years in the physical world. There is not a being in this universe that is not growing and interacting with other beings. Just because a physical being has died and is not remembered doesn’t mean their abstract being doesn’t continue to grow. Sometimes it is those who aren’t remembered that have the deepest, most long lasting impact.

Is this where God lives? Well, your gods live here. They exist here partially because you helped create them, and they have power because they are believed in by many beings in both universes. They rule here as governments do in your universe, they have power over some, but none has power over all, no being in either of our universes is powerful enough for that.

To: Seth Cohen
From: Dennis Reardon
Re: Bring Back the Old Hair and Other Things

Oh Seth, how you have broken my homosexual heart! Don't you know that one of the simple pleasures in my life was tuning into the OC, and watching you stumble through life with those pretty eyes and that adorable mess of hair on your head? That mess of hair made you who you were. You're one of those characters thats beautiful and loveable not because you are perfect, but because you are imperfect, and those curls were a part of that. It made you a little bit more goofy, but your goofyness is your charm and you should never try to lose it, because it is what makes you special, and because nobody can stand a pretender.

Also, please stop shamlessly chasing after Summer. She never wanted you in the first place and was never right for you. There must be other girls, or even guys. You seemed to be happy with having Summer as your girlfriend but uncomfortable with your intimacy with her, perhaps it's because you just wanted Summer as your beard, someone to help you fit into the crowd and allow you to hang out with the person you really love, Ryan. C'mon Seth you know it's true, ever since that boy from the other side of the tracks showed up with his own pair of adorable eyes you've desired him, possibly intensely, wondering if your feelings will ever be reciprocated. But Seth, I think it's time to be open about it. It's time to make your feelings known, and give us the OC episode we've all been waiting for, the Seth and Ryan kiss.

That might make up for losing your old hair.

So I was Wrong....REAALLY Wrong. Such is life....now on to Angry Commentary.

So, it seems that the reason that Bush carried those important swing states was not because people thought he was doing a good job fighting terrorism, nor was it because people thought the economy was in good shape. In the end what really swung the election Bush's way was the "moral values" (i.e. anti-gay) point. A HUGE percentage of the electorate in those crucial swing states came out and voted for Bush because of their fear and loathing of homosexuals. This honestly shocked me. I really thought that this election would be decided on issues like the war on terrorism or the war in Iraq or even the economy, but thats not what the polls seem to indicate. Had the election been decided by those real issues and Bush won, I would still be dissapointed but I would not be as angry as I am right now. With the 10 of the 11 gay marriage bans passed by huge margins and Bush elected because of "moral values" those Evangelical Christian voters have sent a loud and clear message to me: "We hate you, we don't accept you, and we'll do anything to stop and/or repress you." With that cleared up, it seems that John Kerry's hope for "unity" and reconciliation is pretty much down the drain. How can we reconcile with people who would stop at nothing to take away your civil rights? How can you negotiate with fundamentalists? The fact is, you can't.

Those evangelical Christian voters drew a line in the sand with their votes . They don't intend to reconcile, they intend to conquer. They don't intend to cooperate, they intend to shove their own particular bigoted view of the world down the throats of other Americans. This makes me furious at the states they occupy, and has convinced me that we, as liberals, gay people, libertarians etc., should not continue to help or be concerned for these people, as they have been so dead set against our rights. The next time someone tries to convince you that steel tariffs or farm subsidies are a good idea, remember that you will be hurt by the higher prices and higher taxes caused by such things AND that the people who the tariffs and subsidies help are the exact people who place more weight on fucking over gay people than having a job when making a vote. The next time one of those 10 states that voted to ban gay marriage by huge margins calls out for your support, remember that they elect politicians who sneer at liberals as "traitors" and gay people as "hedonistic." The next time you plan to give to a church or go to a church, ask yourself if they actually support your values all the time. Some places preach love and kindness when asking for money, but once they get that new steeple up, they bring down the hammer on your civil rights. You should not help your enemies, no matter what flag they fly or how much they may smile at you on the outside.

We on the side of liberty must realize that we are at war with fundamentalists, both at home and abroad. One side seeks to take our lives, the other side seeks to take our freedom. What we also must realize is that both sides are winning in the "hearts and minds" department. Why? Because at home we have fought fundamentalism wimpily, afraid to engage the enemy for fear of offending people at the center. The reasonable people in the middle of the American political spectrum would support our side if we told them why these people are actually dangerous. When fundamentalists and evangelical Christians tell us that they believe in certain ridiculous things we cannot say "Well, I respect your believes but unfortunately the Constitution says X." We must say "Your views are not valid, and are ridiculous. You are hurting the country, you are an enemy of free people everywhere, and you need to be stopped." We do not treat terrorists, who seek to take our lives, with kid gloves or terms of respect. Why, then, should we treat people who want to take our freedoms with a modicum of respect? They are intellectual terrorists gathering their forces together on talk radio, on the pulpit, and soon on the United States Supreme Court. They are more dangerous to us than the terrorists armed with bombs, because terrorists can only kill and destroy physical things. There is no bomb in their possession strong enough to bring down the secular state, to take away a woman's right to her own body, or to rob a person of their right to recieve equal treatment under the law no matter what their sexual orientation is. The religious fundamentalists CAN DO THIS. Call a talk show, write your senator, protest when you can, and make it clear to your friends neighbors and relatives that these people need to be stopped!

My First Stab at Political Punditry

So, I made the following predictions in response to Unikowsky's Swing State Sweepstakes last night and the new batch of battleground state polls seem to only confirm what I predicted last night. In short, I don't think this one will be close at all in the electoral college. Kerry will win big and will become the next President of the United States. This doesn't mean the election still won't be close, and we may have to wait a while Tuesday night for each state to be sorted out, but in the end I think Kerry will win alot of the close, key battleground states.

Kerry-306 Bush-232

Florida- Kerry
Iowa- Kerry
2nd Congressional District of Maine-Kerry
Minnesota- Kerry (not even close)
Nevada-Bush
New Hampshire- Kerry
New Mexico- Bush
Ohio- Kerry(in a squeaker)
Penn.-Kerry
Wisconsin-Kerry

As for the Senate, there are so many tossups and the Republicans have an advantage. It's going to be hard for the Dems to sweep the tossups to take unambiguous control of the Senate or to get 5 out of 6 and take control after Kerry is inaugerated AND the Massachusetts special election is through.

Here are the 6 races and my opinion on them

Colorado- Polls showed Pete Coors(R) narrowing the gap between himself and Ken Salazar (D) during mid-October, but recent polls show Salazar back up by about 8 points.....Democrats should pick this one up.

Alaska- The people in Alaska apparently don't like the Republican incumbent because she was appointed by her dad who is now governor. She has been down by about 3-4 points the entire race. Democrats should also pick this one up.

Florida-This race is a dead heat, but with reports coming from Florida reporting huge turnouts in the early voting (usually an advantage for Democrats) I'll predict this one goes Democratic.

North Carolina- This race is also a dead heat. The Democrat was up big for a while, but then the Republican came charging back, but then he never took a statistically significant lead. I don't know where to put this one, but since I'm thinking Kerry will have a big night I'll put this in the Democratic column.

Louisiana- There are two possible outcomes for election night. 1.) The Republican gets more than 50% of the vote and gets the seat. 2.) The Republican gets less than 50% of the vote and there is a runoff between him and the top Democratic candidate. Who the hell knows how to predict this one? Polls haven't shown the Republican with more than 50% so I guess this'll be a runoff in December.

Oklahoma-Crazy Conservative Democrat vs. Crazier Conservative Republican. I'm going to bet the people of Oklahoma like their Conservatives as crazy as possible.....this one goes Republican.


So my prediction for after election night will be this: 49 Democrats (48 if Kerry wins) 50 Republicans. Two races to be decided, one solid Democrat (either Kerry if he loses or his special election replacement from Massachusetts if he wins), one completely random.

As George Bush would say......I can run from these predictions but I can't hide.

Wow, what a great story.

Face it everyone, you're all like the Red Sox. Unless you are one of those extraordinary human beings who is first in their class at Harvard and marries their high school sweetheart, chances are, you've had quite a few disappointments in your life. Sometimes things never seem to go right, they seem headed in the correct direction but little things derail you. Sometimes you sit up wondering "what if?" and imagining things as they might have been. Sometimes you look jealously at the guy who got the girl (or the guy that got the guy) and wonder why that is never you. Things can get hopeless, life knocks us all around, and some days it's a struggle getting up in the morning, and you wonder why you go on.

That was the story of the Red Sox and their fans for 86 long years. There were so many promising moments, so many stars who lit up the sky with their talent and their spectacular play. There was Ted Williams, who mastered the art of hitting and brashly told reporters that he wanted to be "the best there ever was." There was Tony Conigliaro, the wunderkind from Massachusetts who hit a home run in his first at bat at Fenway Park and was one of the best young hitters in the game. There was Luis Tiant, Roger Clemens, and Jim Longborg who mowed down opposing batters at a fearsome rate. But all of them eventually and tragically failed to accomplish what they all set out for, Williams ended his career brilliantly and bitterly, hitting a home run in his final at bat, but not tipping his cap to the fans. Tony Conigliaro's career was cut short by a fastball to his eye that ended his prowess with a baseball bat. Tiant, Clemens, and Longborg had their moments, but on baseball's biggest stage, the World Series, they were known for their bad final outings when the team needed them the most.

Their final failings tainted their most precious moments, just as our memories are tainted by the specter of what would later come. We may all remember our first kiss that really meant something, but many remember how that person would break our heart. We may remember great moments with our friends, but many of us also remember how some of them would later fail us.

The Yankees, for all their greatness, could never capture this part of us. The Yankees were the United States of America at its best: strong, hardworking, and successful. Presidents and politicians rush to associate themselves with the Yankees. Everybody likes winners and everybody sees the Yankees( at least when they were at their best) as the image of what we ought to be, but the Red Sox are who we are. The Red Sox are the team of the marginalized, the people that never fit in, all of us losers who keep going at our lives not happy with how things are right now, but hopeful that the future holds something better. Yes, I'm sure it's nice for Yankee fans when their team wins the World Series, but they are expected to do so. They are the valedictorian with the polished record, the perfect hair, and the girlfriend who everybody else wanted. The Red Sox winning the World Series shows us that yes, happy endings do happen, even for the rest of us. And that is fucking amazing.

Before tonight the author of a book on Red Sox history could have borrowed a title from Gabriel Garcia Marquez and called it "A Hundred Years of Solitude." Because that is exactly what is has been. Our fandom has been a history of 9th inning collapses, second place finishes, and defeats at the hands of the New York Yankees, but now all that has changed.

How is it possible that the Red Sox, down 0-3 to their nemesis, their archrival, the team that has always outspent them, out maneuvered them, and out played them since 1918, came back and won four in a row to capture the American League pennant? Folks, this is the dorky kid sucker punching the bully. This is Luke Skywalker destroying the Death Star. This is the Rabbit finally getting his Trix. This is Wile E. Coyote finally taking a big suculent bite out of the Road Runner. This is, in short, the most stunning on-field turn of events in the history of professional sports. Whatever happens in the World Series, the Calvinistic sense of doom that has pervaded these parts for oh so many years has been lifted, this team has truly shown us that anything is possible, that the past means nothing, and that the future is ours to take.

This may seem overdone given that it is simply a sporting event. But for those of us who watch it intently and closely, it is more than simply a bunch of young-middle aged men swinging bats around. It is a human drama, and at times like these it can be more powerful than the most skillfully directed movie or the most poignant moment in any television series. Just like in those movies and television shows things we identify with their characters, their hopes, their dreams, and their aspirations, only unlike those we don't have the sense of being led around towards an inevitable pre-packaged ending. Things don't always work out in the end, sometimes rather than heroic endings or meaningful final confrontations, there are anti-climaxes. Most of the time, fans of teams slowly come to realize, over the course of a season, that this just isn't their teams year. Despite the fact that they paid attention, despite the fact that everybody wanted one thing to happen, and despite the fact that it would've made for a better story had the team won the championship, most of the time the teams' season would end in a meaningless game or a bitter loss. It is, in a sense, like having to walk on a tight-rope with no net for your emotions.

It is these anti-climaxes that define a fan's experience, and it is what makes him/her one. The unrelenting hope for good things and the bitter struggles that a fan must endure before his/her team gets to the promised land (and sometimes they never do) are what make watching sports different than watching a sucession of good movies. When things work out in movies we decry it as a Hollywood ending that, while nice to watch, doesn't usually have a deeper meaning for us. When things work out in sports, like right now or in 1980 when the US upset the Russians, it gives fans hope that perhaps by struggling just like their heroes thing can work out in real life as well. And that is what makes tonight so special.

Another night of work, another baseball game, another blog entry.

I'm just not going to comment on the game or anything. I'll save my commentary for tomorrow night when the Red Sox are either going to the World Series or going home.

For now a facebook message I just sent:
From: Dennis Reardon (BU)
To: Dennis Reardon (BC)
Subject: From the Other Dennis Reardon

So one day a few years ago I went to register at a hospital for a test of some sort, and I claimed that I hadn't been there before. The nurse looked at me puzzled and asked me if my name was Dennis Reardon and I said "yes" and asked me if I was born on August 9th 1984 and I said yes. But then she brought up names for my father and mother that weren't accurate. So, it seemed, there were two Dennis Reardons with the same birthday living in Massachusetts.
But it gets weirder....
When I was a senior in High School I went to interview for Swarthmore with a teacher from Milton Academy. I told that exact story and her eyes perked up and told me that she too knew a Dennis Reardon, who was about my age, and going to Milton Academy. Life is strange sometimes.
So I must ask you....Are you this very same Dennis Reardon?
And if so....Isn't it fucked up?

Whew! I am done studying for the night, but that will pick up in the morning. My Enlightenment test now scares me alot less as I have been able to put the subject together in my own mind in some sort of coherent fashion. Now all thats left is last minute getting of names and works straight, which is the easy part.

Studying for these history/political science tests is a difficult switching of gears from studying for economics. In economics you must master each individual area of theory, usually on its own, and be able to do problems of that type. In history and other non-math disciplines, it is far more important to weave what you have studied into a cloth of ideas, with which you will tailor your essays and short answers. I think it is important though, to develop both skills at the same time, as one compliments the other when working on each subject. At some point I will have to unify the individual theories on economics into more complex ideas about the subject in order to achieve some mastery of the discipline. Also, the analytical breaking down of the individual pieces of a historical subject can help understand the whole. I may be bullshitting here, but this may also make sense. At this point who can tell......

The Red Sox have won again, they have been recalled to life in the most dramatic fashion, turning the tables on the Yankees, and, for a time anyway, showing them what is like to have victory so close at hand only to have it snatched away by mistakes, untimely home runs, and blown saves. If only the Red Sox could complete the comeback with similar dramatic wins in Games 6&7. If this happened, no Red Sox fan would be miserable about their performance in the World Series.

It has been said that sports is the new religion, and I comepletely agree. I've found it somewhat hypocritical of myself to mock those who assert that the Bible is completely true, and without error, while also worshipping at the Altar of Ortiz and believing the Red Sox can come back from a 3-0 deficit without any rational support for that feeling. But, I think that it would be positive if we used up our needs for irrational feelings in the area of sports, where the damage is limited to a few riots here and ther, rather than in religion, which causes people to persecute each other and blow themselves up.

I've come in second place once again.

The single event doesn't hurt as much as it's an accumulation of things, one more failure at relationships before they even got started.....well more than one actually. I don't know what happened. My year seemed bright with prospects. I went on dates with six people in the first 3 weeks of school. One by one they fell off though, for a variety of reasons, with the latest one coming tonight. Now I am sad and I wonder what more I can do. How can it be that out of so many people there has not been one that has stuck? How can it be that after all this time I still haven't found anybody that's dated me that's felt content enough with me to at least stick around for a few weeks? What is wrong?

When people that I "like" go off with someone they really like I'm happy for them, but there's also a part of me that wants to scream "What about me! Wasn't I good enough?!" Of course its not that they found me low quality or whatever, I think, it's just that I wasn't the one. Rationally I know that, and I even know the feeling. Hell I even know the feeling because I've felt it about some of the people who haven't been happy with me. Rationally I know it makes sense, but I'm not rational when it comes to such matters. When I'm stepped over for someone else, it bugs me, and I feel sad like I do now, no matter what the state of the dating process we were in (I've never gotten out of the earliest of stages). It's probably some unpleasant mix of emotions including jealousy, not knowing how much you like something until it is gone, etc. But knowing that and getting over how inferior I feel are two different matters.

WOW! So the Red Sox nearly performed the biggest choke job of the year and lived to tell about it. In the clinching game of a three game sweep the Red Sox were up 6-1, the annoucers had basically declared the game over and were speculating about Red Sox-Yankee pitching matchups. Then, in about 10 minutes the lead disapeared on a 7th inning grand slam home run by Vladamir Guerrero. GASP. Fenway Park was in shocked silence. What looked like an easy sweep of the series turned into doubt. If the Red Sox lost the game they would still be up 2-1 in the series but the momentum would be going against them, and if they didn't close them out tomorrow they'd have to go back to Anaheim and actually be underdogs...SCARY.

I think we all expected the Red Sox to loose after giving up the home run. It's very hard to bounce back from such a thing, and it was like and old script pulled out of Red Sox history. "Red Sox victory seems certain, Red Sox loose lead, Red Sox hold on for a while and tease you, Red Sox collapse in heartbreaking fashion." But amazingly that did not happen tonight. With the bases loaded and one out Keith Foulke actually struck a few guys out to get out of the ninth. In the tenth, Cabrera actually made an excellent play (i.e. the ball didn't go through his legs or flying into the dugout) to get Lowe out of the inning. In the bottom of the tenth, David Ortiz actually hit a home run to win the game. WHO ARE YOU GUYS AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE RED SOX?

Again, I'm not amazed that they won the series. I thought they would win the series. The part that amazes me is that they seemed headed for their usual dissapointing defeats many times, but somehow things didn't follow the usual storyline. When the Red Sox blow scoring opportunities early in the game yet still have the lead, they blow to lead and loose only to be reminded of those early blown scoring opportunities. If the announcers say the Red Sox are sure to win and then the Red Sox blow the lead, they lose that game... the next two...and the series. 1+1=2. The sky is blue.

But this didn't happen. Left was right. Up was Down. It was the Angels who were making stupid managerial decisions, like taking out your best reliever to put in a guy who had been knocked around only a few days earlier. It was the Angels who made errors, like bobbling a sure double play ball and allowing a run to score. And it was the Red Sox who pulled it out. WOW!

So it's 3 am and I'm too pumped to go to bed. The Red Sox did what the Red Sox just don't do which is win two tough games, on the road, in the playoffs. You better believe, though, that neither the fans nor the players have put this series in the win column yet. They still have to put them away with either Bronson Arroyo or Tim Wakefeild.

It's always a hilarious experience to watch games with other Red Sox fans when the Red Sox are well ahead late in the game. The announcers begin to talk as if the game is in the bag for the Sox, while Red Sox fans shout "SHUT UP" at the TV. I think what most Red Sox fans fear is a repeat of something like the Bill Buckner game. During the 9th inning of that fateful game 6 of the World Series in 1986, Dan Shaughnessy of the Globe said that the champagne had been put in the dugout, the reporters had been ushered in, and Jean Yawkey (widow of racist SOB Tom Yawkey and owner of the Red Sox) had been carted in to congratulate the team for their first World Series in 68 years. Then as the team collapsed in the most mind boggling manner possible, everything was literaly rolled back out, including the senile Yawkey, leaving only the reporters to ask the players how it felt to be a part of the biggest fuck-up in World Series history.

Ever since that game every Red Sox/Any Boston Team's lead in the post season seems a candidate to be just like 1986 only worse. So when Chris Berman says "well it looks like the Red Sox will go back to Boston 2-0" every Red Sox fan hears that, except they imagine it's on Sportcenter the next morning followed by "but then came the collapse.....BOO Yah Eckstein homers in the bottom of the 9th to cap a SIX run rally and it's a whole new series." Even when watching the "Snow Bowl" game (Patriots playoff game vs Oakland in 2001) a few years ago with my family, I remember we all let out a collective gasp when we saw that as Adam Vinatieri lined up to kick the game winning feild goal, the three points had already been added to the scoreboard. All we could think of was the ball going over Vinatieri's head and Mookie Wilson picking it up and running it the other way for the touchdown, and having that play, with the scoreboard showing Pats 16 Oakland 13 in the background, being on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

All because of Calvin Bleepin Schiraldi, Bob Stanley, and Roger Clemens (I don't beat up on Buckner he's taken enough of the blame over the years.)

So this blog has been lacking juice in recent months. I wanted to end that with a commentary on two things I like, good looking men and debate. Though the intersect of the two is a limited catagory, it is a wonderful catagory, and should be celebrated with a Top Ten List. Now, this Top Ten list will be based soley on physical attractiveness and nothing else. It may be the case that I would want to date people not on this list more than those actually on this list, but the people on the list win out because of their raw beauty/attractiveness/intangible hotness. Also, the list will be limited to people still eligible to debate on APDA (including people around the world). This list will probably be slightly creepy to those of you who didn't know I was paying attention, but this is what gay men do, get over it. Because the Blog dealy doesn't allow you to cut and paste, and I wrote these before realizing it, each person will get a hottness score( 0 for the Crypt Keeper and 100 for the love child of Orlando Bloom and Justin Timberlake) and a rank (1 being for hottest) after the commentary.

The Ten Hottest Guys in Debate

Nate Goralnik, Brown- While I preferred cute, dorky Nate Goralnik of last year to "I am going clubbing on Miami Beach" Nate Goralnik of this year he is still very cute. Hotness Score: 72 Rank: 10

Adam Bonnifield, Cornell-Ever since Adam traded the perfectly combed hair and business suit of freshman year for the perfectly disheveled hair and Lacoste shirts of soph/junior year, his hotness has really come out. Love the pink shirts! HS: 85 Rank: 4

Karl from NYU- Don't know his last name, but I do know he's extremely handsome, and really keeps his eyebrows in shape. HS: 80 Rank: 6

Josh Bendor, Yale- A controversial pick, I realize, but c'mon folks....listen to that deep voice HS:74 Rank:9

Deon Provost, BU- Is anybody hotter than Deon? Well, yeah....but not many! HS: 75 Rank: 8

Ed Bush, Bates/UPenn- Where have you gone Ed Bush? Not many people remember him, and he's been gone for a while, but he still holds a place in the pantheon of APDA hotness. HS: 84 Rank: 5

Seb Isaac, Cambridge- It's almost unfair...one of the best public speakers in the world AND he's unbelievably hot AND he has a metrosexual sense of fashion AND he has an accent. Not many can top him. HS: 95 Rank: 1

Gavin Newsome, Oxford- A personal favorite, I totally had a crush on him throughout my Oxford/Worlds experience. He looks so cute in a kilt. HS: 79 Rank: 7

Jan from Utrecht- Tall, Dutch, Mick Jagger quality lips, HOT.....HS:87 Rank: 3

Greg Arthur, UMCP- Yah yah, I know BU people, he has been against us in most of our struggles, but he is fucking hot. He has an amazing body, and a really attractive face thats has this constant manly virile scowl. Wow!.......HS: 93 Rank: 2

So to recap:

10.) Nate Goralnik, Brown
9.) Josh Bendor, Yale
8.) Deon Provost, BU
7.) Gavin Newsome, Oxford
6.) Karl from NYU
5.) Ed Bush, Bates/UPenn
4.) Adam Bonnifield, Cornell
3.) Jan from Utrecht
2.) Greg Arthur, UMCP
1.) Seb Isaac, Cambridge

Comments? Arguments with the list?

John McCain and Colin Powell are douchebags.

There, I said it. I have grown increasingly frustrated with people who claim that somehow John McCain and Colin Powell are any better than George Bush, and that though they might be Republicans, they secretly wish that better policies could be put in place for the United States. However, facts are facts and no matter how much we may wish they secretly are on our side, the fact is that for whatever reason that have chosen to stand with the George Bush, whose policies have led to over a thousand American deaths in Iraq, hatred abroad, and increasing division over social issues at home. In my veiw, if they actually do have faith and respect the leadership of George Bush, then politically they are douchebags. If they secretly believe something different and for their own political gain they have kept silent, then they are REAL douchebags of the worst sort. I will not continue to praise, and will never vote for, two people who are either right wingers, like Bush, or political and moral cowards unwilling to use their position of power and influence to help change the world for the better.

School has come, and hopefully more frequent blogging will follow. I have missed updating my blog, and being able to look over at it to see what comments people have about my entries, and getting random IMs or comments at parties about how much people love my latest blog entry. The truth is though, that over the summer I didn't feel I grew very much or learned anything new about myself. I basically just worked alot, made some money, and kind of kicked back intellectually. Except for a few key points during the summer, I didn't explore my life or think about it as much. I just kind of took it as it was, accepting that my life was somewhat in neutral until I got back to school. I guess there is a time and a place for that, but now the time has come to explore more and to grow further as a person, and I am really happy about that.

Going into this school year I think I have finally become comfortable enough with myself and with who I am that I am able to put myself out more into situations to meet people or to try new things. Being places where I don't know that many people has become less awkward for me, and I find myself to be increasingly less self critical in such situations. I remember as a freshman, and even sometimes as a sophomore, being at a party or something where I didn't know people that well, and ticking off every possible thing that people could find wrong with me. I couldn't speak because I was afraid that people would think I was a moron or uncool or some other silly thing. So in many situations I would come off as a basketcase or I just wouldn't be noticed. Hence I never met all that many people. At some point, though, I realized that being afraid all the time never did anything for me. It didn't prevent all that much embarrassment; it just caused me to be isolated from others, and to not meet people that I might actually like.

I still think I have some self confidence issues that pop up once in a while, but with the help of some great people I think I am starting to truly believe that I really do have alot to offer, and even some funny, insightful stuff to say.

So with all the interesting political news going round I have decided tonight to talk about aleins, mainly because its much more interesting than going over the many reasons why I dislike George Bush, and who I think did a good job trashing him.  I think in many ways we are facinated with aliens today because they have become the replacement for the litany of fantastic characters that people generally don't believe in anymore (i.e. elves, faeries, Grendel).  Also they are just simply very mysterious characters that we can do anything with.  They can give us hope for an easy solution to all of our problems from a technically and morally superior species (see Vulcans).  They can also inhabit our nightmares with terrifying visions of a Hitler-like species bent on our extermination (see those things from Signs).  

 

My perception of what aliens would be like lies in neither the area of savior nor exterminator.  I rather think that any alien species will be so beyond us that it will be impossible to comprehend them at first.  Think of how difficult it is for a human to understand and predict the actions of a chimp.  Some peoplke have dedicated their entire lives to understanding the creatures, and yet we still have a very limited perception of how those creatures decide what actions to take, what their societies are like, and what exactly it is like to be a chimp.  With such difficulties understanding a chimp I cannot imagine what we would have to go through to understand life from the perspective of something 10x more foreign and more complex than a chimp.  I expect the real benefit of contact with aliens would not be the magical solutions they could offer us, but the process of discovering what life looks like from the perspective of something so radically different from ourselves.  Think of the amazing insight into ourselves that we could garner from such a different perspective.   I guess the closest thing I can give as an example is the experience the main character has with the Tralfamadorians in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse 5.    That is too complex to explain in a blog entry, so read the book and find out.  Also, try to imagine what's out there for yourself, and perhaps you might even be inclined to put in a  comment about thoughts.

Big crushes ( and I mean the 'i think about person X all the time' crushes) that can never be fullfilled can sometimes serve as a blessing in disguise. Though they are extremely painful experiences, they at least show us that we can feel that enthralled about another person, and that we haven't lost the ability to love someone intensely.

Heya all sorry for getting out of the habit of updating but I am here to atone for my sins....
Let me raise a belated toast to gay marriage in Massachusetts. It was really incredible to see all the people lined up in Cambridge city hall waiting to get their licences after so many years of being marginalized, and it was heartening to see all the support out that night. My real favorite part of the whole day was that, because the first gay marriages happened to be on the anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education the politicians had to wallow in their own hypocrisy. George Bush denounced the "activist" judges who overturned the descrimination of the traditional definition of marriage, but because of the circumstances he was forced to praise another set of activist judges who overturned the tradition of descrimination in education on the very same day of his other denouncement. How delicious! In response to all those who claim that gay marriage is being rammed down our collective throats, we get a crystal clear example of another time in history when something being rammed down the throat of people wasn't such a bad thing.

"Wouldn't it be pretty to think so?"-E. Hemingway

Indeed it would be. We live in a world dominated by dissapointments both in the present and in history, and I think we've become so used to it that we don't strive for higher ideals enough anymore. The gap between the beauty of humanity's dreams and the ugliness of its realities is the greatest tragedy of our species, but I think its also valuable to note that its only by dreaming these wonderful dreams that we got this far in the first place. Martin Luther King's ideal of a nation that is colorblind and without racism has never been accomplished, but it was by dreaming that dream that he helped bring us so far along on that path toward achieving his goals. John Lennon's wildly optimistic dream in "Imagine" probably will never be realized, but the very fact that the standard exists and is expressed so beautifully gives us a thing to strive for when we need the courage to do the right thing.

I feel we need some of those very same dreamers again. This country is long on hedonism, real-politik, and cynicism. The only way for us to achieve peace is to strike out at our enemies in perpetual warfare. The only way for us to achieve a better society is by reverting to the hard moral standards of many years ago. The only way for us to win (elections, sucess...debate rounds =P) is by sacrificing our principles. We can never expect love, only sex. We can never expect improvement, only survival. We have become lost in the inevitiable doom of our own pessimism. We have lost the rash unrealistic optimism that made us great.

When I look at the worlds spoken and the dreams dreamed by people like Bobby Kennedy, Teddy Roosevelt, John Lennon, and Martin Luther King. I can't help but want to bring them to this time and place, to tell people what they could be capabable of, and what things SHOULD be like. These people accomplished great things because they were dreamers. The pragmatists belong in the dustbin of history; they only knew how to succeed in an imperfect world. It is the dreamers who let us imagine that we could be the people we always hoped we would be, and who give us the strength to push for a more perfect world.

I should be studying but....meh

So today's entry will be on the presidency. First of all, there is that flaming ball of incompetence that is George W. Bush. I hate the man so much that its gotten to the point where I can no longer fairly evaluate policy if I know his stance on the matter. If you handed me Plan X for World Peace, I might look at it and I might think it was a generally good idea, but if you told me if it was George Bush's Plan For World Peace, I would instantly reject it out of hand.

Now, the question is, why do I hate this man so much? Sure, some of it comes from ideology, but that isn't all of it. I don't hate, say, George Will with the same fervor, even though he is MORE conservatiive than Bush is. It isn't really from his personality, either. I have the feeling that if George Bush were my neighbor, I would generally like the guy, even if he would never be my best friend. I think the real thing that makes me despise him is the fact that he is the symbol of the dumbing down of America. See, people in America used to admire politicians when they spoke intelligently, and when they acted in a way that made them seemed qualified. Today, Americans prize politicians who, like GWB, talk like an average person when going over the issues. They actually LIKE when politicians don't know the facts and kind of gloss over the issues with fluffly platitudes rather than hard plans of action. When people DO make intelligent arguments, people like Bill O'Reilly call them "elitists" and accuse them of not listening to "the folks." It is like Americans in general are becoming like those 8th graders who made fun of the smart kids because they were insecure of their sucesses. That is really a disturbing trend. It is like we have stopped aspiring to greatness and have confined ourselves to celebrating mediocrity.

It is this general attitude, amoung other things, that has convinced me that popular government doesn't work because "the folks" are actually a bunch of fuckin morons. They are like a baby deciding between two sets of waving keys thrown out there by the political parties. Things that shouldn't matter at all in the elections are the things which frequently decide them. Obviously there is the whole thing about how one line slogans and advertisments can swing elections when they shouldn't, but there's also the fact that many times people decide elections based on the economy at the time, with no regard given to the solvency of the economy in the long run based on the policy in place. For example, the current economy is improving mightily, but that is largely the result of huge deficit spending that will cause harms in the long run. The "folks" seeing jobs coming back will pull the lever of the incumbant without realizing that the very policies which are creating jobs now are fucking us over in the long run with inflation, higher interest rates, and a huge deficit that we'll have to deal with when the baby boomers retire.

Also, on the subject of the Presidency....it seems like we have gotten ourselves into a position where every "viable" candidate for President is someone who nobody can really imagine actually being a good president. To become president nowadays you have to pull together a thousand different types of people with wholly divergant veiws on things. Take the Democrats for example they now find themselves in a position where they have to unite the Northeast and West Coast (socially liberal, fiscally liberal) with the Midwest (socially conservative, fiscally liberal), with some of those southern swing states (socially very conservative, fiscally moderate). What candidate could possibly come out of this dilemma other than John Kerry who just changes what he thinks every other day?

It seems like we have become a nation that is far too divided to be able to support ANY leader with coherent policies who does what he says. I really think we ought to just split up into two countries with more ideologically homogeneous populations and call it a day. That would at least allow us to HAVE coherent plans rather than mix of plans that results in insanity...which is what we have now.

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

So its 2:40 AM and I was getting to sleep, but then I realized that I hadn't updated my blog as I had set out to do tonight, so here I am. I heart all those who read my blog, and I certainly don't wanna leave you guys hanging for too long.

I had a mystical experience running on the Charles River tonight. It was so warm, wonderful, and peaceful. The the combination of rapidly fading sunlight and growing moonlight made the river a deep purple hue, and the lit buildings on its banks were so beautiful that they seemed to be there for decoration. All over the place were people seeking the beauty and anonimity of the park at night. There were old married couples strolling along, holding hands. There were younger couples laying next to each other gazing at the man made stars of the Charles. There were groups of kids sitting in circles mischeviously passing around a lighted pipe. There were runners, walkers, and bikers secretly competing with one another in a great unspoken race with no end.

This didn't seem like Boston, it didn't feel like a city. It felt like we had been transported to some unearthly paradise, well lit and populated but still one with nature...still peaceful. When the people talked they seemed to get in close and whispered to each other, like people stealing a conversation in church. They recognized the sacredness of the place and the moment, and did not want to violate it with the vulgar shreiks of normal conversation. It was not a time and a place to spread gossip, to complain about tests, or to fight. It was a time to tell someone you love them, to reconcile with someone who'd upset you, and to have moments with your friends that you'll never forget.

I was in awe......

The blogs haven't come out as often as they used to, I realize, and that is because of papers etc. As Lyndon Johnson might have said about this situation, the blog is my one true love, but I have to spend all my time with that bitch.

Sometimes life can be very frustrating. I feel sometimes I am trapped in a repeating pattern of things, and I don't know how to get out. The same pattern of over-shyness, not meeting enough people, not working hard enough to find my niche, not handling relationships well, and putting things off come up again and again. I should have figured out now how to fix such things or how to make things easier. But often the answers are hard to figure out, and even when I do figure the answers out they are so inexplicably hard for me to get to doing. Sometimes it's just easier for all of us to stay the way we are, but often that isn't what is going to make us happy in the long run.

There is a phrase from the movie Shawshank Redemption that constantly rings in my head these days. I think it was the Morgan Freeman character who said "Get busy living or get busy dying." I think it rings so true these days because I feel like I'm letting valuable time in my life, when I could be having so many great experiences, slip away from me. This feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I've lost soo much time already. There have been sooo many moments in my life where I've felt like if I had done things a little differnently things would've been immensely better. I don't want to have any more of those moments. It's really time to change.

Ah Blog how I have neglected you!!

It has been and will be a busy time for me, as I write papers I have put off for far too long. So, I better make this a good entry for those of you looking for procrastination into exam week.

One of the things I really miss is sleepovers. Sure now we may crash at each others places and such, but its really not the same as it used to be, man. A sleepover back when I was 10-15 was an event, it was something to get excited about. The sleepover wasn't obligatory as a result of some other thing, as it is now. It was the very purpose of the visit. I dunno what made such things so cool, or so infinitely better than most visits I had with my friends, but there was clearly something there that made them special.

I think part of the reason was that you got to see your friends in a way that you didn't usually see them. There were little things like being able to rebelliously stay up past 3am playing video games or whatever. There were also somewhat significant things like seeing your friends without all the distractions that usually accompany visits you had with them. When night fell there wasn't any basketball, any school stuff, nor was there the cloud of having to go home soon hanging over your head . When night fell it was just you and them, and sometimes the things that would come out of those visits were just wonderful......

Spring has clearly sprung, and its a lovely time of year (if it weren't for all the freakin work). Now, sitting in my room, the sound of my roomate's fan and the scent of the fresh air wafting through the window really brings back all the wonderful memories that accompany summer nights. There's the wiffleball, the sleepovers, the late night ice cream runs, the movies, the slow lazy walks down suburban streets with your friends. It all comes rushing back to me when I feel and smell all the stuff that goes along with summer.

I always feel wonderful when this time of year comes around again. Late winter is so dead and devoid of the same smells, feelings, and memories. In early winter there are alot of good things that come to mind, like Christmas and all the wonderful snowy memories, but by the time March comes along everything is sad and winter is like an unwanted guest that won't leave. Here's to late April, for kicking that guy out!

Another day...another post...more random commentary/stories

I'm so afraid to act and make the first move (or the second move or the third move) when it comes to people. I never quite got when people wanted to be better friends/hook up/etc. unless it was expressed to me explicitly, and I think it has caused me to miss out on many things and probably still does. I guess I have this irrational fear of being rejected, and am slightly neurotic, Woody Allen style......

Crushes that will never come to fruition suck (cross-apply my earlier post on straight crushes....shit, did I just say "cross-apply").....

Many people that I know have told me that I should write fiction of some sort, some even as a result of this blog dealy. I've tried many times before, but it always comes out contrived/too directed towards some specific idea. I think that's what happens when you take too many writing/english classes. You start to believe that good literature comes from people conveying some coded message through a story. However I don't think thats what it's really about, and I don't care what the authors say afterward. Good stories and good literature are meant to touch people in ways that can't be defined by an essay or anything else, because otherwise they would've just written an essay and told you what they wanted to express rather than beating around the bush.

I also think a big thing I've been missing is honesty. I think it was Mr. Brennan back in high school who said that the reason Hitler never cut it as an artist was because he too much of a coward to expose what was inside of him in his art. Hence, he went on a minority killing and conquering-spree to cover up the demons inside. The point is, when you write or whatever, I think you have to be honest, and the last few times I've tried it I haven't been honest in expressing my feelings through my writing. I think now I finally am confident enough to do such things. So, I think I'll try once more....stay tuned.........

Halloa all

Usually my posts don't just recount that have happened to me over the past few days b/c the events of my life (as with most people I think) are fairly uneventful, however Nats this weekend at Swat was definitely eventful and filled wiht many postable things.

First, it really reminded me why I joined debate in the first place. It was alot of fun, and I got to spend time with many good people. There were lots of quality conversations, drunken hugs, sarcastic rants, and of course random comments like "your hair is awesome!"(to an UMBC debater). To all those who made the weekend awesome for me, you know who you are and I love y'all......

One thing that really touched me was Kevin Grinberg's mentioning of me in his senior speech. I didn't really know him before, but at nats we hung out and talked enough to make me wish he wasn't graduating and that I could see him more in the future. It was really awesome to hear he felt the same way about me.......

Rob Glunt and Adam Bonnifield(I hope I spelled that correctly) made it to final round which made me happy. Even though Rob is evil (so they say), he has always been nice to all of us at BU. I have been a fan of Bonnifield ever since he gave the orgasmic MO in the novice finals at our tournament. Also, he has commented on World of Dennis (a very nice comment as well...if i do say so myself), so that makes me even more of a fan. They also ran the greatest case ever (I say that because I thought of the very same thing a month earlier) and, in my opinion, got robbed in final round....ah well...they are headed for great things next year....

We also saw Burt Reynolds at a Wawa in the Swat area...wow was that surreal.....

It's official, I have become a drinker. I think the true turning point occured when I took swigs of Fireball in GA on Friday as we eternally waited for pairings. This seemed to impress even Cory, who is no slouch in the art of inebriation. I really have no clue how this happened, and how my stauch opposition to such things dropped so quickly. Last semester, I wouldn't touch the stuff. On Friday I found myself giving slurred economic analysis to Mike as to why I shared the Fireball, chastising Bonnifield for reading my blog and sending random IM's but not saying "Hi" in person, hugging sarah/megan/schon/kevin/beth/cat in all my inebriated glory, and telling Emmanuel that I thought he was gay. I'm also fairly impressed at how well I handle the alcohol. I have yet to get a hangover or even feel sick. It must be the Irish blood...

Something that happened today, not at Nationals- Today, I got a pleasant surprise when I went to Expresso Royale to get coffee. I went to pay for my coffee when this cute, gay-looking guy asked me if I wanted a "coffee card". I said sure. He then told me that he had noticed me in here many times, and that he would give me a few back stamps. He then proceded to stamp my entire card and told me: "Come back here and get something delicious...Nothing incentivizes getting a card like free stuff." It was funny, b/c I really don't go in there that often, so it makes me think he was hitting on me. Now, I'll have to use the card strategically. Clearly, I should wait until he's working again and then use it and make a flirty comment of some sort....This sounds just like some sort of movie.

Well I just hit a wall with my paper on the French Revolution...and as I haven't had enough writing....a new blog entry!

I saw Feild of Dreams yesterday at my house, and it was, once again, a really powerful experience. I don't know why it touches me so much. Baseball isn't my favorite sport, I don't have any unresolved issues with my dad, and I certainly don't have a cornfeild in Iowa that talks to me. But for some reason it touches me on a spiritual level, and i always end up bawling like a little girl when I watch it. I think the major point of the movie, besides glorifying baseball, is that there is something out there beyond our understanding and more wonderful than we can imagine.

I really don't know what to make of God or what to believe anymore, but I do feel that there is something out there. I wish there were better answers than we have today, and I wish there was a way to explore the spiritual side of the world without having to deal with religious people. Religious people, especially those associated with my favorite religion...the Catholic one, espouse really scary versions of God/spirituality. Jesus seems like a good guy, but alot of the other stuff would give people the willies. There are things like people being crucified for refusing to deny abstract theological concepts, laws that don't permit people like me to be happy without condemning myself to hell, and of course Jesus coming back when you least expect it and sending lots of people to eternal punishment. It's all very depressing, and frankly far too simple and exact.

I refuse to believe that a God who has presided over a world with 10000 belief systems would set out a code of laws as exact as "don't eat pork" or "Worship me on Sunday." The answer has to be more complex for so many cultures of people to have so many different spins on the thing. I think I love movies like Feild of Dreams b/c they skirt my notion of what God is in the closest way possible without becoming too specific. They tell us to not worry because there is something watchign over us that is benevolent and beautiful.

So, when I was searching for somehing to write about last night, my friend Chris gave me the good idea to write about some really old memories. I had already started writing on something, so I decided to leave it until today...

So let me introduce you to 6th grader Dennis of Holy Family School. He is someone few of you know, and ever fewer remember. He was shy, cripplingly shy. It was a disposition built up and reinforced over many years of being one of the social have nots in the cruel world of grade school. When he talked to people who weren't one of his few friends, it usually inspired ridicule. He wasn't quite certain why....it just did. He was fairly miserable, and he cried alot. But he did it in private, and hid it from others. He didn't think he was gay, but he knew he was different. He loved watching the shirtless guys at basketball practice, and he had no interest in the Playboys some of the other guys smuggled around.

It was this sixth grade Dennis that was invited, along with the rest of his 6th grade class, to a 12th birthday party for Alicia, a girl in his class at HFS. It was going to be at a hall, at night,with music and (gasp!) dancing. You can imagine how he recieved such an invitation. He crumpled it up in his backpack, and didn't want to look at it again.

As fate would have it, his mother found the invitation and told him that she wanted him to go. This time he couldn't hide it; he cried and told her he didn't want to go. He couldn't express how he felt, or why he didn't want to go, because it was too painful. He didn't have to, she knew why he didn't want to go, and though her eyes welled up in tears as well, she still insisted that he go. He went to bed that night, terrified of the party.

When the night came, he felt like a prisoner going to the gallows. He hoped the car ride over would last forever, but, unfortunately for him, it would only last the usual 5 minutes. As he saw the hall getting closer, slightly lit up in the cold winter/early spring night, he became sick to his stomach. Inevitably the car stopped in fron of the hall, and he was let out. He went up the stairs, took a deep breath, and entered...

Inside it was not quite as horrible as he had imagined. There seemed to be alot of people in the same boat, not knowing what to do at such an odd event, where the lights were turned down and slow music was playing. He got comfortable, and even started to talk with people. When people started to dance though, he got uncomfortable again. He didn't quite know what to do or how to handle things. He mainly just tried to pass the time as best he could without any major disasters.

A group of guys saw him, and insisted that he dance wth Alicia. He smiled nervously, but they wouldn't take "no" for an answer. As a song slowed down and she was standing by herself, they pushed him towards her. She looked up, smiled, and they started dancing. He really couldn't believe it. It all seemed very unreal and unexpected. For him, the song seemed to last for hours. He was filled with excitement. It wasn't a sexual thing, it was the idea that SHE would dance with HIM that made it so electrifying for him. He had thought that nobody would ever want to do such a thing.

That night when he went home, he told his parents he had a good time. He went upstairs and laid down on his bed. He just stayed there awake for many minutes, drenched in a happy feeling he had never known before.

Well I am in a writing mood again, so here goes.


So as you go along in life your goals become much humbler. When I was a kid I really wanted to be something extraordinary. I wanted to have a real impact on the world, and be one of those people you remember in history books. However, now that I am met with reality, I have come to forget such goals. My life isn't about making a serious impact, that's far too big. I just want to end up in a situation where people respect my ability, where I can pay my bills and put a roof over my own head, and where there are some people who love me.

Those are modest goals compared with the image I had of myself in high school/grade school. That Dennis was going to storm the barracades for what's right. He was going to be a senator or a congressman...the one that would finally do things the way they should be done, with no corruption or anything. He was going to be a rebel, a leader, a fighter.

As the years have gone by, this image of myself has faded away. I've come to realize that what's right isn't always clear. I don't feel very strongly about much in politics and society these days. What I feel in my gut to be the right thing to do always seems so dangerous, and what my mind tells me is probably the best, my heart refuses to accept. I've also come to realize how difficult things really are, and how the problems of the world aren't totally caused by the corruption in Washington. Finally, I've come to realize how much corruption there actually IS in Washington, and how we'll be hard pressed to change such things, even if we all made a concerted effort.

As I've gotten older, I've also come to recognize that, in general, what the polticians in Washington or Boston do rarely affects my life in a significant way (exception...Gay Marriage...which is why I still do really feel strongly about that issue). Personal happiness is rarely given to people by a political movement except in extraordinary cases. Where the vast majority of people have their impact is not on the public stage, but in the interactions of their everyday lives.

I guess that means that my dream of changing people's lives has not really changed, but rather it has matured. I still wish to be remembered, but not by the history books or by the general populace...who cares what the public thinks after all...they are usually morons as a collective and bad judges of character. I want to be remembered by individuals. I want someone to think so highly of me that they name one of their kids after me. I want people to think back at who I was when they knew me and smile or desire to give me a call. I want to feel like I truly love and understand someone, and I want someone to feel the same about me....hopefully the same person.

So tonight the motivation for writing in my blog is procrastination, which is as good as anything I guess.

A short bit on the news...So today the Massachusetts Legislature voted to ammend the constitution to disallow gay marriage. This will give the voters the decision to ratify or to not ratify the ammendment in 2006. I would be upset about this if I wasn't sure we had already won. On May 17th gay marriages will be allowed in Massachusetts, and nothing can stop that. By the time the people vote, they will have seen that gay marriages are not a threat to society, and that all the arguments brought up by conservatives are just a disguise for being uncomfortable with gay people. The Catholic Church is right to feel threatened by the ruling. Once people see how silly their arguments were, the Church will be ignored. That will be real progress...

I'm always moved by the statue in Marsh Plaza at BU. It is a statue in honor of MLK Jr. who graduated from the School of Theology, only a few yards from the spot of the monument. The statue's base is a stone block in the middle of the flat, concrete plaza. On top of the stone block is an iron flock of doves taking flight. On the sides of the block are inscriptions from MLK's most famous speeches.

I always thought it was a great work of art, because I think it really captured the spirit of the man. Unlike a somber figure made to look like him, it really conveys the indomitability of his cause and aslo the essence of what he fought for. The doves taking off always reminded me of the civil rights struggle, and how they went on no matter what. Sometimes, I'll even stop to read the words on the stone, because reading something engraved in stone can really make me feel the words, and hear the speech echoing in my head. It's always a powerful experience to observe it.

Hmm well, I don't want to go to bed again, so i'll start writing in my blog again.

So the night of horribleness is over, and I have cheered up. Thanks all for being so nice. Now it's time for me not to be miserable, so this post will be happy, or at least not sad.

Whiffle ball is the greatest game ever invented. Anyone who has ever been at a cookout, or bored with friends knows the joy it can bring. I remember one summer when I worked at Stop & Shop, myself and the people I liked from work had legendary whiffle ball games. We'd have them late at night, when we all were out of work, and the store was on a skeleton staff made up of the strange people who worked the overnight shift. We would all assemble out in front at somebody's car, waiting for those who had worked an earlier shift to meet us. There were usually around 4-6 of us, and, once we all got there, we'd get into someone's car and drive to the back of the store in the parking lot where the games would commence.

Under the lights, the competition was fierce. We'd play nine innings of intense whiffle ball action on the hard cement. The pitchers mound was clearly marked out by a soda bottle of some sort, and home plate was a crack in the cement that was just far enough away from all the places that you could loose a whiffle ball . Before every game, the rules on what constituted a single/double/triple/home run were well established. We had all been veterans of street games as little kids that quickly devolved into shouting matches because of a lack of clarity in the rules, and we did not want this to happen in our whiffle ball games. They were a little bit more sacred than other pickup games.

Througout the games we'd make fun of each other in the most merciless fashion you could possibly make fun of someone without truly hurting them. We'd develop strategies on how to feild. We'd try new ways of pitching. We'd call people out from the "bullpen" if someone was really stinking it up on the mound. We'd complain about crappy pitches. We'd celebrate if we won. We'd bend over in disgust if we gave up the big hit that lost it for us.

I remember having some heroic moments in those games. There was my 7 home run game when I lifted the underdog team of myself and Dewey (a cherubic 16 yo with a lisp who was the store's little brother) to victory over Dan Smith (my nemesis since grade school....just kidding ) and "Billy Digits" ( a quiet/somewhat sad but generally cool guy...his nickname came with the ironic punchline..."cus he gets all the ladies' digits"). There was my game winning home run on the night when either the wind was blowing in or we were playing with some weird ass ball (I forget which it was, but there wasn't much scoring), where, after I hit it and saw it going over, I jumped up and down Carleton Fisk-style.

Now I certainly wasn't a stellar whiffle ball player, but thats the great thing about it. It makes heroes of us all, it makes cookouts and boring summer nights tolerable, and it makes cement parking lots and back yards our fields of dreams.

So I deleted a post I made on Thursday before most people could see it, because I felt it was too whiney and sad and it misrepresented things. Since then though I haven't really felt better, and I have the urge once more to put something down to express the feelings I have right now...

So, first of all, this weekend was much badness at Yale. My debating performance was abysmal, Schon lost his election, and we had to sit around a hospital for 3 hrs waiting for an MIT novice to be discharged so we could give him a ride home. So all these things just generally put me in a bad mood.

My debating performance really bummed me out this time. I'm usually not one to care that much about such things, but how I performed this weekend put me on the verge of tears after we finished. I just thought afterward about all the time, energy, and effort I put into this activity. And looking at it, it all just seems like a waste (I love many of the people I met of course but i'm seperating the activity from the people I met). To really commit yourself to something and then to realize that you're actually not very good at it is really disheartening. I just feel very embarrassed, and I feel like I won't get any respect.

Moreover it really just adds onto the list of things I am not good at. It seems really like it is impossible for me to be very good at something outside just school. I never learned how to play an instument, I'm not a good dancer, I can't act, I can't sing, I can't run fast, I can't hit a baseball. Even more important, I don't develop very many good deep connections with people. I've never even been in a long term relationship of any sort. I keep telling myself that the right person/activity will come along for me, but I am almost 20 years old, and I haven't found him/it yet. I feel like life is passing me by, and that I'll end up being lonely and unremarkable if things don't change soon.

Well, I'm really sorry for that, but I needed to say it all to something soon, and this was the first available option tonight.

So I'd really like some feedback (especially from the Silent Majority of World of Dennis readers) on what posts you like the best and such. Do you like me talking about general stuff, and being all philosophical, or would you rather more stories from my life? It all goes into making things better for you guys...

I went into office hours with my professor today to talk over my developing paper. Is it me, or are office hours extremely weird? I always begin the term looking at the syllabus saying: "This semester I'm really going to get to know all of my professors and we'll become the best of friends." However when it comes down to it this just doesn't happen. I'm always perplexed about what to talk about during the time, and this usually prevents me from going. Even when I do get myself over to talk about some required thing the situation is intense. I don't want to say too much about the subject for fear of revealing that I am actually a moron and haven't listened to one word he has said all semester. I want to be friendly, but I don't want to seem like a kiss up, b/c nobody can stand such people. I want to stay long enough so that it seems I am interested in what he/she has to say, but I don't want to stay too long b/c then that just leads to awkwardness. I am a neurotic basketcase though, so y'all might not have the same laundry-list of concerns. But now I've put them in your head to think about for the next time you go and see a professor. And for that, I am sorry...

My award for the Coolest Spokesman for Gay Marriage goes to Jesse "the Mind" Ventura. The fight for Gay Marriage really needs more people like Jesse "the Mind", who aren't just lawyers or shrill activists, but rather people who are willing to talk toughly and simply about what the real issues are. Jesse, I apologize for scoffing at your governorship and at the idea that a wrestler was the governor of Minnesota. Clearly you have more sense than I thought, as you agree with me =P...

My list of interesting John Kerry VP Candidates:
1.) Fmr. Governor of Texas Ann Richards ("After all, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did...She just did it backwards and in high heels.") She is awesome
2.) William Jefferson Clinton
3.) Jimmy Carter (the most admired ex-pres. ever and could step in when needed)
4.) Oprah
5.) John McCain (obviously)
6.) Colin Powell (you know he's just itchin to do it)

Another day, another post on my blog.

I really have become attached to this thing, as it's become my quasi creative outlet. I always seem to bed feeling unsatisfied, as if there was something I wanted to say to someone but can't. I don't exactly know what that something is or who even the person is, but there is something there...a connection that needs to be made or something. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's very fuzzy. Anywho...this is what this thing is about, connecting with you all out there in internet land. If it seems like I promote this dealy to y'all it's because I want you to read it and I want to feel like perhaps my thoughts could make a connection...

Life has it's ups and downs, but one thing that makes me feel grateful for having ever been created is the ability to connect on an emotional/spiritual level with people. When people share a story, or a part of themselves it feels so special, because it feels like you have been given a gift more precious than money or material goods, because to share that part of themselves with you the person had to trust you, and had to think well enough of you to invite you into their lives. It is the most genuine of gifts. People sometimes ask me for advice or tell me their troubles and then apologize for troubling me ith their troubles. But, for me anyway, it's an honor to be trusted enough to be asked for advice, or to have something deeply personal confided with me. It shows a connection which is very real, and such things you can take with you for the rest of your life.

Such connections give me hope that there is some higher purpose to our lives, and perhaps there is some spark of divinity in all of us. I am not a religious person, but through my relationships and experiences with people, I feel like there is some world that exists beyond the physical, mundane world that we live in. I refuse to believe that the tremendous feeling I get from connecting with people is just from the firing of random synapses in the brain. That may be the scientific explanation, but what gave us this? What set up the mechanism for such things to even be possible?? There is something beyond us that we cannot explain.

I know I have already done a "flashback to a year ago" entry on this blog relating to my first experiences coming out, but as I have nothing very interesting going on today and I need to entertain y'all I will have another piece in this series. This time we'll take a look at my first date (with a guy that is).

His name was Morgan, and we had our date in a small, noisy, coffee place called the Other Side Cafe (It will be a stop on the Reardon Reality Tour in the near future =P). I really liked him, but i was shy and very nervous. He was a few years older (like 20 or 21....i was 18) and good looking. I didn't know what to say or what to do at first. It was very nerve racking, but he was very nice and accepting. He had a way of making me feel like what I said was important and soon we were talking about all sorts of stuff.

We later walked back to his apt. and talked and talked and talked. He did alot of theatery stuff, which at that time in my gay life was such a turn on, and he seemed to really like me. He made me feel totally at ease with myself which was something I hadn't felt in a while. For so long I had either been self conscious about my sexuality, or how attractive or interesting I was but somehow talking to this very attractive guy made those fears go away for a little bit. After a while we watched the Muppet Movie (anyone who knows me will realize that i nearly shreeked in glee when i saw the movie on his video shelf). The whole evening was just really really nice.

When the movie ended it was really late, the T was not working, and he lived in the South End which is far away from BU so it was decided by the two of us that I would stay over. I slept in his bed though there was space between us, as I had no clue what he wanted to do, or even what I wanted to do. As we were about to go to sleep he told me he had a wonderful time, and said he really felt like we connected, which wasn't what he expected at all. He then expressed how he was worried abotu this since he was moving to San Francisco in the fall. I, being the hopeless romantic that I am, said that he shouldn't worry about it, things would fall into place. He leaned in and kissed me, and we made out. It was the first time I had ever kissed a guy.

That night I couldn't sleep I was so excited. I looked over at him so many times, it was like I was checking to see if he was real. I imagined all sorts of scenes in my mind's eye, us walking on the beach in the summertime, nights spent at his apt. watching movies, even me introducing him to my parents. It's the type of things you think about when you have no experience to caution you against dreaming so boldly.

The next day we got up watched some TV, and I went home. I was really on cloud nine for the next day or two, and i excitedly told all my friends about the experience. However after a few days passed I knew something was wrong. He didn't call or email or anything. I called him but couldn't get ahold of him. A few days later I got an email from him. He apologized for not responding sooner (he had been sick) but said that b/c he was movign to San Francisco he didn't want another relationship and another tough goodbye, and that I deserved better than someone who was leaving in three months. I cried.

I'll never know if he was telling the truth or just letting me down easy (I don't know which would be worse). But in any case, he really became the great What If of my love life. I don't think I'll ever forget him.

I try to minimize the amount of the debate talk that I do because it's so exclusive and hardly anybody other than debaters can relate to it. However I'm going to talk about the PC tourament now b/c it's fresh in my mind

So, PC was a bittersweet experience (it was the best of times it was the worst of times and so on). I had a good time, which is really the most important thing, but I didn't do so well. Me and Nick haven't been able to buy a win at the past two tournaments (3-7....yeeesh you'd have to look back to my early novice adventures with Colleener and Zach to find a similar streak). However, I suck at debating, so it really doesn't make me too upset. What did make me somewhat bummed out was seeing my adopted school, Brandeis (featuring World of Dennis fan Brian "not fat and dark" Schon), go down in defeat against Harvard in semis. For non-debate people, this is the moral equivalent of the Red Sox losing to the Yankees in the ALCS. Do not worry though , me and Megan are partnering next week at Yale, and vengence will be had.

Well folks I am up refusing to go to bed once again, which is the inspiration for most of my blog entries. I really do hate going to bed for some reason. I think I like to extend the day out as long as I can because the beginning of the day is so unpleasant, with all the annoying alarm sounds and the realization that you have to get up and do things, and not sleep in your nice, warm, comfy bed. It doesn't matter what time it is either, getting up for something at ten can be just as bad as getting up for something at 5:30. I 've done both and they both can suck...........

As a warning to all the straight guys out there, don't wear a turtleneck sweater unless you want every gay guy within a 5 block radius hitting on you. I swear it is the like the gay man's mini-skirt. Ever since I got one and started wearing it, I have been getting hit on more than I ever have, and that even includes back when I was pretending to be straight..........

One of the little joys of my life (and i think of most people's lives) is noticing and appreciating the good looking people around you. It's sort of like window shopping. You like what you see very much, you know that you probably will not actually ever be with the person in any romantic sense, but you also don't feel any painful regret either. It's amazing how beautiful ordinary people can be too. Like you see people knowing they won't make a career in modeling or something, but for you rigjt there at that moment, they seem like a perfect creature. There's this one guy who has caught my eye on Bay State the past year who is just amazingly handsome. He has this simple grace about him, his clothes are very casual, his hair is not gelled or anything, and his face is very simple, with a serious, focused expression. Our paths will never cross, and it's no gigantic thrill to see him. But like the trees when the leaves change colors, or like that whisper of a song you hear from somebody's room that just brings you back to some place special, he lightens up the day a little bit. Sometimes you don't even know the little bits of happiness you bring to people's lives.

I saw Billy Eliot last night and I have to tell you what a wonderful movie it is. It's about this boy growing up in a poor blue collar mining town who wanted to be ballet dancer. The kid who played Billy was awesome; it was the best performance I have ever seen from a young actor, and one of the best performances I have ever seen from anyone. It really wasn't his acting that made the performance; it was his dancing. I am no ballet expert, but when he danced in the movie for various reasons you could feel what he was feeling. Some of the dancing scenes were some of the most joyous and wonderful things I have ever seen in a movie. It was just indescribable.

There was also a subplot about his friend who turns out to be gay, has a crush on him, and begins to reveal it when he finds out Billy is doing ballet. He thinks that since Billy like ballet, he must be gay as well (which is untrue). The way the film deals with it is really touching....you have to see it for yourself.

Anyway spring break has been ok, I haven't been nearly as productive as I wanted to be. Being lazy is just too easy.

Everyone, leave comments they make me exciting, plus I put alot of effort into making the comment link and havng it say funny things. POST COMMENTS!!!

Halloa all! Miss me? Well the Hell week at BU is over and so begins Spring Break. I'm not doing much exciting though....one of these days I will...I promise. I'll be spending much of my week here at home in good/bad ole Rockland, MA. I always am excited to come home at first, but after a few hours I realize why I was so excited to leave the place my senior year in high school.

Speaking of high school, do any of you look back at the person you were in high school, even your senior year, and just wonder how you were once that way? It's amazing how people change so much in so little time, and how your experiences and friends shape you.

High school was so negative for me in so many ways. Sometimes I was a big neurotic ball of low self confidence, and I constantly questioned whether people really liked me or were just acting like my friends to be nice. Other times I was really just so angry, and had a "fuck you" attitude towards alot of things. When either of those moods didn't prevail I was just generally sad. There was happiness, but it only came in flashes. There was a good day or a good couple of days, but generally contentment was rare and overridden by the malaise that engulfed me in those years.

As my senior year wound down the tide turned, and I began to feel nuetral about things, which was a vast improvement over the preceding few years, when day in and day out i just felt bad about things. In college I think I figured out that life wasn't like high school, much to my relief. People weren't as judgemental and critical. It was then I could feel comfortable about myself and alot more changes fell into place after that.

I think it was in the novel The Elementary Particles where I saw the observation that every few years your body's cells turn over. In other words, the cells you have today in your body are completely different from the cells you had X years ago. To me that brings up all sorts of interesting questions about ourselves that are far too deep to bring up in a single blog entry, but one thing it does highlight really well related to this entry is that we are always changing. Our lives are filled with renewal and change, and we shoudn't resist it. In fact, we should seek it out. If we stagnate too long in one place emotionally intellectually etc. then we run the risk of missing out on what life is really about. I really think that the primary reason that we were put on this Earth, and why we were endowed with so much intelligence is so we could better ourselves, not just intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually.

This is one of the reasons I can't stand conservative Christian people, because they fundamentally miss this point. They believe that everything you need to know about living your life was zapped onto a stone tablet 4000 years ago, and what was was supposedly zapped onto the stone tablet is absolute and cannot be ammended or changed in any way. If this is true then what was the point of Jesus? Yeah I understand the vague theological reasons, tat he had to die for everybody's sins etc and so on. But, if that was the case why didn't he just say "Look, follow this law you've already got, it's all you need" and then just die? I think he had something to tell us that was more than just "be good boys and girls." If you look at what he said there were two maor threads: one was "Love everybody" which is always good advice, but the second was "Go Beyond the Law." Which, again, I don't think means just "be really really good" that would be fairly unprofound for a savior. I think he was saying, "Yeah this law is nice, but you have to focus on bettering yourself (getting to the point where you can 'love your enemy')." Morality isn't about following incomprehensible rules, it's about bettering yourself into a person you didn't think it was possible for you to be.

So, don't be afraid to take that big step forward

Two major things tonight.....

First.....

I was thinking today about how we really live in a results-based society. Managers/coaches are hired and fired largely based on whether they win or not, or whether their moves succeed or fail. We elect politicians, and throw them out largely based on how happy we are with the country at the present moment. Networks pull TV shows when they don't meet a certain ratings level. Everything is results...results...results.

It would be right for you to now say "So what?!" because on face that seems like a logical way to do things. But in practice it is a horrible way of evaluating things. When we put too high of a value on results, we ignore important things like the quality of the decisions made by people given the information they had at the time. A manager could pull a starting pitcher, only to see the relief pitcher lose the game, and it could still have been the right decision. As fans and as people, we forget that many times and simply criticize the manager for "losing the game." There are a whole litany of Presidents who made good decisions during their tenure in office that were good ones, based on solid reasoning with the information given at the time, and they didn't work out. Despite having made good decisions they suffered in the polls, and maybe even were thrown out of office at the next election. There's also a whole other catagory who made bad decisions that by some lucky circumstance worked out, and get praise heaped on them because the country was well off during the time they happened to be in office.

The danger in all of this is that we don't make decisions on who's going to lead our country/manage our baseball team/whatever based on who seems most capable of making the best choices in the future. We make them on who, by luck or whatever, had the most sucess in the past. So I'd just ask you all that when you make a decision about someone/something don't just consider the results, consider the decision making/potential behind those results.

Second....

Refer back to my previous post and you see my anxiousness to change. I think my life is coming to some sort of head where it takes a new direction. At certain moments in our lives we come to realize that the way we are doing things, and the way we think about ourselves is not working out correctly. Things have to change, we have to readjust our goals in life, and how we view our relationships with others. For me, I can really identify this happening twice before in my life:once when I entered high school, and again when I came out.

As for this current bout of personal regime change, I really have begun to feel myself falling into a pattern that I've repeated over my life. I've gotten stuck in a rut, and it's not a rut I'm very happy with. I need to change my way of doing things and start to build new/more quality relationships and a better self image.