So tonight the motivation for writing in my blog is procrastination, which is as good as anything I guess.

A short bit on the news...So today the Massachusetts Legislature voted to ammend the constitution to disallow gay marriage. This will give the voters the decision to ratify or to not ratify the ammendment in 2006. I would be upset about this if I wasn't sure we had already won. On May 17th gay marriages will be allowed in Massachusetts, and nothing can stop that. By the time the people vote, they will have seen that gay marriages are not a threat to society, and that all the arguments brought up by conservatives are just a disguise for being uncomfortable with gay people. The Catholic Church is right to feel threatened by the ruling. Once people see how silly their arguments were, the Church will be ignored. That will be real progress...

I'm always moved by the statue in Marsh Plaza at BU. It is a statue in honor of MLK Jr. who graduated from the School of Theology, only a few yards from the spot of the monument. The statue's base is a stone block in the middle of the flat, concrete plaza. On top of the stone block is an iron flock of doves taking flight. On the sides of the block are inscriptions from MLK's most famous speeches.

I always thought it was a great work of art, because I think it really captured the spirit of the man. Unlike a somber figure made to look like him, it really conveys the indomitability of his cause and aslo the essence of what he fought for. The doves taking off always reminded me of the civil rights struggle, and how they went on no matter what. Sometimes, I'll even stop to read the words on the stone, because reading something engraved in stone can really make me feel the words, and hear the speech echoing in my head. It's always a powerful experience to observe it.

Hmm well, I don't want to go to bed again, so i'll start writing in my blog again.

So the night of horribleness is over, and I have cheered up. Thanks all for being so nice. Now it's time for me not to be miserable, so this post will be happy, or at least not sad.

Whiffle ball is the greatest game ever invented. Anyone who has ever been at a cookout, or bored with friends knows the joy it can bring. I remember one summer when I worked at Stop & Shop, myself and the people I liked from work had legendary whiffle ball games. We'd have them late at night, when we all were out of work, and the store was on a skeleton staff made up of the strange people who worked the overnight shift. We would all assemble out in front at somebody's car, waiting for those who had worked an earlier shift to meet us. There were usually around 4-6 of us, and, once we all got there, we'd get into someone's car and drive to the back of the store in the parking lot where the games would commence.

Under the lights, the competition was fierce. We'd play nine innings of intense whiffle ball action on the hard cement. The pitchers mound was clearly marked out by a soda bottle of some sort, and home plate was a crack in the cement that was just far enough away from all the places that you could loose a whiffle ball . Before every game, the rules on what constituted a single/double/triple/home run were well established. We had all been veterans of street games as little kids that quickly devolved into shouting matches because of a lack of clarity in the rules, and we did not want this to happen in our whiffle ball games. They were a little bit more sacred than other pickup games.

Througout the games we'd make fun of each other in the most merciless fashion you could possibly make fun of someone without truly hurting them. We'd develop strategies on how to feild. We'd try new ways of pitching. We'd call people out from the "bullpen" if someone was really stinking it up on the mound. We'd complain about crappy pitches. We'd celebrate if we won. We'd bend over in disgust if we gave up the big hit that lost it for us.

I remember having some heroic moments in those games. There was my 7 home run game when I lifted the underdog team of myself and Dewey (a cherubic 16 yo with a lisp who was the store's little brother) to victory over Dan Smith (my nemesis since grade school....just kidding ) and "Billy Digits" ( a quiet/somewhat sad but generally cool guy...his nickname came with the ironic punchline..."cus he gets all the ladies' digits"). There was my game winning home run on the night when either the wind was blowing in or we were playing with some weird ass ball (I forget which it was, but there wasn't much scoring), where, after I hit it and saw it going over, I jumped up and down Carleton Fisk-style.

Now I certainly wasn't a stellar whiffle ball player, but thats the great thing about it. It makes heroes of us all, it makes cookouts and boring summer nights tolerable, and it makes cement parking lots and back yards our fields of dreams.

So I deleted a post I made on Thursday before most people could see it, because I felt it was too whiney and sad and it misrepresented things. Since then though I haven't really felt better, and I have the urge once more to put something down to express the feelings I have right now...

So, first of all, this weekend was much badness at Yale. My debating performance was abysmal, Schon lost his election, and we had to sit around a hospital for 3 hrs waiting for an MIT novice to be discharged so we could give him a ride home. So all these things just generally put me in a bad mood.

My debating performance really bummed me out this time. I'm usually not one to care that much about such things, but how I performed this weekend put me on the verge of tears after we finished. I just thought afterward about all the time, energy, and effort I put into this activity. And looking at it, it all just seems like a waste (I love many of the people I met of course but i'm seperating the activity from the people I met). To really commit yourself to something and then to realize that you're actually not very good at it is really disheartening. I just feel very embarrassed, and I feel like I won't get any respect.

Moreover it really just adds onto the list of things I am not good at. It seems really like it is impossible for me to be very good at something outside just school. I never learned how to play an instument, I'm not a good dancer, I can't act, I can't sing, I can't run fast, I can't hit a baseball. Even more important, I don't develop very many good deep connections with people. I've never even been in a long term relationship of any sort. I keep telling myself that the right person/activity will come along for me, but I am almost 20 years old, and I haven't found him/it yet. I feel like life is passing me by, and that I'll end up being lonely and unremarkable if things don't change soon.

Well, I'm really sorry for that, but I needed to say it all to something soon, and this was the first available option tonight.

So I'd really like some feedback (especially from the Silent Majority of World of Dennis readers) on what posts you like the best and such. Do you like me talking about general stuff, and being all philosophical, or would you rather more stories from my life? It all goes into making things better for you guys...

I went into office hours with my professor today to talk over my developing paper. Is it me, or are office hours extremely weird? I always begin the term looking at the syllabus saying: "This semester I'm really going to get to know all of my professors and we'll become the best of friends." However when it comes down to it this just doesn't happen. I'm always perplexed about what to talk about during the time, and this usually prevents me from going. Even when I do get myself over to talk about some required thing the situation is intense. I don't want to say too much about the subject for fear of revealing that I am actually a moron and haven't listened to one word he has said all semester. I want to be friendly, but I don't want to seem like a kiss up, b/c nobody can stand such people. I want to stay long enough so that it seems I am interested in what he/she has to say, but I don't want to stay too long b/c then that just leads to awkwardness. I am a neurotic basketcase though, so y'all might not have the same laundry-list of concerns. But now I've put them in your head to think about for the next time you go and see a professor. And for that, I am sorry...

My award for the Coolest Spokesman for Gay Marriage goes to Jesse "the Mind" Ventura. The fight for Gay Marriage really needs more people like Jesse "the Mind", who aren't just lawyers or shrill activists, but rather people who are willing to talk toughly and simply about what the real issues are. Jesse, I apologize for scoffing at your governorship and at the idea that a wrestler was the governor of Minnesota. Clearly you have more sense than I thought, as you agree with me =P...

My list of interesting John Kerry VP Candidates:
1.) Fmr. Governor of Texas Ann Richards ("After all, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did...She just did it backwards and in high heels.") She is awesome
2.) William Jefferson Clinton
3.) Jimmy Carter (the most admired ex-pres. ever and could step in when needed)
4.) Oprah
5.) John McCain (obviously)
6.) Colin Powell (you know he's just itchin to do it)

Another day, another post on my blog.

I really have become attached to this thing, as it's become my quasi creative outlet. I always seem to bed feeling unsatisfied, as if there was something I wanted to say to someone but can't. I don't exactly know what that something is or who even the person is, but there is something there...a connection that needs to be made or something. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's very fuzzy. Anywho...this is what this thing is about, connecting with you all out there in internet land. If it seems like I promote this dealy to y'all it's because I want you to read it and I want to feel like perhaps my thoughts could make a connection...

Life has it's ups and downs, but one thing that makes me feel grateful for having ever been created is the ability to connect on an emotional/spiritual level with people. When people share a story, or a part of themselves it feels so special, because it feels like you have been given a gift more precious than money or material goods, because to share that part of themselves with you the person had to trust you, and had to think well enough of you to invite you into their lives. It is the most genuine of gifts. People sometimes ask me for advice or tell me their troubles and then apologize for troubling me ith their troubles. But, for me anyway, it's an honor to be trusted enough to be asked for advice, or to have something deeply personal confided with me. It shows a connection which is very real, and such things you can take with you for the rest of your life.

Such connections give me hope that there is some higher purpose to our lives, and perhaps there is some spark of divinity in all of us. I am not a religious person, but through my relationships and experiences with people, I feel like there is some world that exists beyond the physical, mundane world that we live in. I refuse to believe that the tremendous feeling I get from connecting with people is just from the firing of random synapses in the brain. That may be the scientific explanation, but what gave us this? What set up the mechanism for such things to even be possible?? There is something beyond us that we cannot explain.

I know I have already done a "flashback to a year ago" entry on this blog relating to my first experiences coming out, but as I have nothing very interesting going on today and I need to entertain y'all I will have another piece in this series. This time we'll take a look at my first date (with a guy that is).

His name was Morgan, and we had our date in a small, noisy, coffee place called the Other Side Cafe (It will be a stop on the Reardon Reality Tour in the near future =P). I really liked him, but i was shy and very nervous. He was a few years older (like 20 or 21....i was 18) and good looking. I didn't know what to say or what to do at first. It was very nerve racking, but he was very nice and accepting. He had a way of making me feel like what I said was important and soon we were talking about all sorts of stuff.

We later walked back to his apt. and talked and talked and talked. He did alot of theatery stuff, which at that time in my gay life was such a turn on, and he seemed to really like me. He made me feel totally at ease with myself which was something I hadn't felt in a while. For so long I had either been self conscious about my sexuality, or how attractive or interesting I was but somehow talking to this very attractive guy made those fears go away for a little bit. After a while we watched the Muppet Movie (anyone who knows me will realize that i nearly shreeked in glee when i saw the movie on his video shelf). The whole evening was just really really nice.

When the movie ended it was really late, the T was not working, and he lived in the South End which is far away from BU so it was decided by the two of us that I would stay over. I slept in his bed though there was space between us, as I had no clue what he wanted to do, or even what I wanted to do. As we were about to go to sleep he told me he had a wonderful time, and said he really felt like we connected, which wasn't what he expected at all. He then expressed how he was worried abotu this since he was moving to San Francisco in the fall. I, being the hopeless romantic that I am, said that he shouldn't worry about it, things would fall into place. He leaned in and kissed me, and we made out. It was the first time I had ever kissed a guy.

That night I couldn't sleep I was so excited. I looked over at him so many times, it was like I was checking to see if he was real. I imagined all sorts of scenes in my mind's eye, us walking on the beach in the summertime, nights spent at his apt. watching movies, even me introducing him to my parents. It's the type of things you think about when you have no experience to caution you against dreaming so boldly.

The next day we got up watched some TV, and I went home. I was really on cloud nine for the next day or two, and i excitedly told all my friends about the experience. However after a few days passed I knew something was wrong. He didn't call or email or anything. I called him but couldn't get ahold of him. A few days later I got an email from him. He apologized for not responding sooner (he had been sick) but said that b/c he was movign to San Francisco he didn't want another relationship and another tough goodbye, and that I deserved better than someone who was leaving in three months. I cried.

I'll never know if he was telling the truth or just letting me down easy (I don't know which would be worse). But in any case, he really became the great What If of my love life. I don't think I'll ever forget him.

I try to minimize the amount of the debate talk that I do because it's so exclusive and hardly anybody other than debaters can relate to it. However I'm going to talk about the PC tourament now b/c it's fresh in my mind

So, PC was a bittersweet experience (it was the best of times it was the worst of times and so on). I had a good time, which is really the most important thing, but I didn't do so well. Me and Nick haven't been able to buy a win at the past two tournaments (3-7....yeeesh you'd have to look back to my early novice adventures with Colleener and Zach to find a similar streak). However, I suck at debating, so it really doesn't make me too upset. What did make me somewhat bummed out was seeing my adopted school, Brandeis (featuring World of Dennis fan Brian "not fat and dark" Schon), go down in defeat against Harvard in semis. For non-debate people, this is the moral equivalent of the Red Sox losing to the Yankees in the ALCS. Do not worry though , me and Megan are partnering next week at Yale, and vengence will be had.

Well folks I am up refusing to go to bed once again, which is the inspiration for most of my blog entries. I really do hate going to bed for some reason. I think I like to extend the day out as long as I can because the beginning of the day is so unpleasant, with all the annoying alarm sounds and the realization that you have to get up and do things, and not sleep in your nice, warm, comfy bed. It doesn't matter what time it is either, getting up for something at ten can be just as bad as getting up for something at 5:30. I 've done both and they both can suck...........

As a warning to all the straight guys out there, don't wear a turtleneck sweater unless you want every gay guy within a 5 block radius hitting on you. I swear it is the like the gay man's mini-skirt. Ever since I got one and started wearing it, I have been getting hit on more than I ever have, and that even includes back when I was pretending to be straight..........

One of the little joys of my life (and i think of most people's lives) is noticing and appreciating the good looking people around you. It's sort of like window shopping. You like what you see very much, you know that you probably will not actually ever be with the person in any romantic sense, but you also don't feel any painful regret either. It's amazing how beautiful ordinary people can be too. Like you see people knowing they won't make a career in modeling or something, but for you rigjt there at that moment, they seem like a perfect creature. There's this one guy who has caught my eye on Bay State the past year who is just amazingly handsome. He has this simple grace about him, his clothes are very casual, his hair is not gelled or anything, and his face is very simple, with a serious, focused expression. Our paths will never cross, and it's no gigantic thrill to see him. But like the trees when the leaves change colors, or like that whisper of a song you hear from somebody's room that just brings you back to some place special, he lightens up the day a little bit. Sometimes you don't even know the little bits of happiness you bring to people's lives.

I saw Billy Eliot last night and I have to tell you what a wonderful movie it is. It's about this boy growing up in a poor blue collar mining town who wanted to be ballet dancer. The kid who played Billy was awesome; it was the best performance I have ever seen from a young actor, and one of the best performances I have ever seen from anyone. It really wasn't his acting that made the performance; it was his dancing. I am no ballet expert, but when he danced in the movie for various reasons you could feel what he was feeling. Some of the dancing scenes were some of the most joyous and wonderful things I have ever seen in a movie. It was just indescribable.

There was also a subplot about his friend who turns out to be gay, has a crush on him, and begins to reveal it when he finds out Billy is doing ballet. He thinks that since Billy like ballet, he must be gay as well (which is untrue). The way the film deals with it is really touching....you have to see it for yourself.

Anyway spring break has been ok, I haven't been nearly as productive as I wanted to be. Being lazy is just too easy.

Everyone, leave comments they make me exciting, plus I put alot of effort into making the comment link and havng it say funny things. POST COMMENTS!!!

Halloa all! Miss me? Well the Hell week at BU is over and so begins Spring Break. I'm not doing much exciting though....one of these days I will...I promise. I'll be spending much of my week here at home in good/bad ole Rockland, MA. I always am excited to come home at first, but after a few hours I realize why I was so excited to leave the place my senior year in high school.

Speaking of high school, do any of you look back at the person you were in high school, even your senior year, and just wonder how you were once that way? It's amazing how people change so much in so little time, and how your experiences and friends shape you.

High school was so negative for me in so many ways. Sometimes I was a big neurotic ball of low self confidence, and I constantly questioned whether people really liked me or were just acting like my friends to be nice. Other times I was really just so angry, and had a "fuck you" attitude towards alot of things. When either of those moods didn't prevail I was just generally sad. There was happiness, but it only came in flashes. There was a good day or a good couple of days, but generally contentment was rare and overridden by the malaise that engulfed me in those years.

As my senior year wound down the tide turned, and I began to feel nuetral about things, which was a vast improvement over the preceding few years, when day in and day out i just felt bad about things. In college I think I figured out that life wasn't like high school, much to my relief. People weren't as judgemental and critical. It was then I could feel comfortable about myself and alot more changes fell into place after that.

I think it was in the novel The Elementary Particles where I saw the observation that every few years your body's cells turn over. In other words, the cells you have today in your body are completely different from the cells you had X years ago. To me that brings up all sorts of interesting questions about ourselves that are far too deep to bring up in a single blog entry, but one thing it does highlight really well related to this entry is that we are always changing. Our lives are filled with renewal and change, and we shoudn't resist it. In fact, we should seek it out. If we stagnate too long in one place emotionally intellectually etc. then we run the risk of missing out on what life is really about. I really think that the primary reason that we were put on this Earth, and why we were endowed with so much intelligence is so we could better ourselves, not just intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually.

This is one of the reasons I can't stand conservative Christian people, because they fundamentally miss this point. They believe that everything you need to know about living your life was zapped onto a stone tablet 4000 years ago, and what was was supposedly zapped onto the stone tablet is absolute and cannot be ammended or changed in any way. If this is true then what was the point of Jesus? Yeah I understand the vague theological reasons, tat he had to die for everybody's sins etc and so on. But, if that was the case why didn't he just say "Look, follow this law you've already got, it's all you need" and then just die? I think he had something to tell us that was more than just "be good boys and girls." If you look at what he said there were two maor threads: one was "Love everybody" which is always good advice, but the second was "Go Beyond the Law." Which, again, I don't think means just "be really really good" that would be fairly unprofound for a savior. I think he was saying, "Yeah this law is nice, but you have to focus on bettering yourself (getting to the point where you can 'love your enemy')." Morality isn't about following incomprehensible rules, it's about bettering yourself into a person you didn't think it was possible for you to be.

So, don't be afraid to take that big step forward

Two major things tonight.....

First.....

I was thinking today about how we really live in a results-based society. Managers/coaches are hired and fired largely based on whether they win or not, or whether their moves succeed or fail. We elect politicians, and throw them out largely based on how happy we are with the country at the present moment. Networks pull TV shows when they don't meet a certain ratings level. Everything is results...results...results.

It would be right for you to now say "So what?!" because on face that seems like a logical way to do things. But in practice it is a horrible way of evaluating things. When we put too high of a value on results, we ignore important things like the quality of the decisions made by people given the information they had at the time. A manager could pull a starting pitcher, only to see the relief pitcher lose the game, and it could still have been the right decision. As fans and as people, we forget that many times and simply criticize the manager for "losing the game." There are a whole litany of Presidents who made good decisions during their tenure in office that were good ones, based on solid reasoning with the information given at the time, and they didn't work out. Despite having made good decisions they suffered in the polls, and maybe even were thrown out of office at the next election. There's also a whole other catagory who made bad decisions that by some lucky circumstance worked out, and get praise heaped on them because the country was well off during the time they happened to be in office.

The danger in all of this is that we don't make decisions on who's going to lead our country/manage our baseball team/whatever based on who seems most capable of making the best choices in the future. We make them on who, by luck or whatever, had the most sucess in the past. So I'd just ask you all that when you make a decision about someone/something don't just consider the results, consider the decision making/potential behind those results.

Second....

Refer back to my previous post and you see my anxiousness to change. I think my life is coming to some sort of head where it takes a new direction. At certain moments in our lives we come to realize that the way we are doing things, and the way we think about ourselves is not working out correctly. Things have to change, we have to readjust our goals in life, and how we view our relationships with others. For me, I can really identify this happening twice before in my life:once when I entered high school, and again when I came out.

As for this current bout of personal regime change, I really have begun to feel myself falling into a pattern that I've repeated over my life. I've gotten stuck in a rut, and it's not a rut I'm very happy with. I need to change my way of doing things and start to build new/more quality relationships and a better self image.