People, if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times...don't rent another movie until you rent and watch Annie Hall by Woody Allen. It is quite possibly the funniest and most intelligent movie ever made about human relationships.......

I'm in one of those do something new to shake things up moods. I really feel like I'm waaay too cautious most of the time and should be more adventurous. The problem is of course, finding a good way to be adventurous and finding a way to channel this energy. So if any of you have somethng you've always wanted to try but never could find anyone else to do it with (not sex related....unless you are a cute guy i like =P), now would be a good time to get ahold of me. Also, if any of ya have any suggestions feel free to run 'em by me

Bye for now.......

It's almost been a year now since I came out, but it seems like a lifetime.

I remember I decided to tell my friend Ed one night over spring break, because in the end, I was tired of hiding. I wanted to be able to tell people what I was going through, and the emotions I had. I decided to tell Ed because I felt most comfortable with him knowing; he is the type of person that would accept anybody. Also, we were somewhat new, but pretty close friends, so there wasn't a ton of baggage like with people who had known me and thought I was straight for many more years. We went to see a movie or something. I forget which one, I think it was pretty terrible or else I would've remembered it.

Anyway the entire night I was really tongue-tied, there was only one thing that I was thinking about, which was "How am I going to tell him?" I was concerned about him accepting it, and it's also just very hard to get it into a conversation ("Pass the salt, and btw I like men"). On the ride home he knew something was up as I wasn't my usual sarcastic self.

"Something's up"

"Yeah, i mean uhhhh"

"C'mon Dennis what's up?"

"Well.....uuuhhhhh"

(very long pause)

"I'm gay"

He was pretty surprised, needless to say.

"Really?!"

"Mmhm"

I was expecting some sort of awkward awfulness, where he would be very uneasy, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was...
"That's great!"

It was perhaps the best thing someone had ever said to me, I was so happy, I wanted to hug him. Though, that probably wouldn't have been best considering what I had just told him. His acceptance really gave me alot of confidence, if Ed accepted who I was, then why wouldn't people who I had known for alot longer do the same? Sure enough, when I told my older friends from high cchool, and my newer ones from college, I got much the same reaction. There was alot of support and alot of happiness for me. I don't think I ever got to thank all those people who accepted the new me with such open arms, but it really helped me be a much happier person today. So thanks all of you, especially Ed, if you're reading this....

So, the debate tournament is over, and it was a resounding success. In one way I am happy, and in another I am sad. I am happy because I will no longer have to spend sleepless nights worrying about who's going to judge for me 4th round, or whatever. I'm somewhat sad because it was really fun running it, and I got to meet some really great people doing it. The Canadians in particular are wonderful people (if you hadn't gotten this from my gushy posts on APDAweb already), and there is nobody I would have been happier giving our championship champagne flutes to.

Meeting good people is a real joy for me, and I feel I don't get to do it often enough. I never feel more alive than when making new friends or when making friendships stronger. A good friendship is one of those things that never leaves you, like a good thing you did for someone once or a wonderful memory. No matter how far removed from those people you are you'll always remember the things you shared and what you meant to one another. I've been getting excited lately about meeting new nice people, because I just came to that realization, that in those people is the possibility of a good friendship that never leaves you. For some reason I think I forget this sometimes, and it doesn't lead me anywhere good. Here's hoping this is a more permanent change of attitude.

General Musings...

So my attention is divided over several things. Instead of focusing on one, I think I'll just attempt to comment on all:

This whole gay marriage issue has made me really proud of my state. I had always thought of the legislature on Beacon Hill as a bunch of incompetent, corrupt boobs. But, as I watched some of the gay marriage debate I really got the sense that (on this issue at least) they were actually passionate, and cared about the issue. They were many poigniant moments and touching speeches that seemed like they came out of some feel good Jimmy Stewart movie (ok so a modern Jimmy Stewart movie) and not an actual debate. The results of these debates were even more encouraging. Despite all the national pressure from President Pond Scum and others, they fought off the ban on gay marriage. Standing up for civil rights in the face of oppostion from BOTH national parties (not to mention about 60% of the American Public) is a pretty big and encouraging achievement for a popularly elected legislature.(Perhaps a "Profiles in Courage" award is in order??)............

Why is it that the guys I fall for the hardest are always straight? Every time I fall for one it hurts so much, because no matter what you do, no matter how much you improve yourself, you have to face the fact that it won't happen. The other person will never...ever...not in a million years feel the same about you as you feel about them. It's a discouraging thought. I wish my affections could be directed at more attainable guys, but it's like the Woody Allen/Groucho Marx saying: "I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member."......

I never realized what an ass Mel Gibson is until the recent hooplah over his new movie about Jesus. I always assumed that he was much like the characters in his movies (i.e. carefree, rebellious etc.), when he is actually a conservative troglodyte with a dislike of feminists, gays, and possibly Jews. If you can believe this, he actually thinks the Catholic Church is far too liberal, and rejects the much praised and indisputably good reforms of Vatican II (things like not blaming the Jews for everything...not ordering censorship...holding Mass in a language people could understand...just about everything that makes the Stilll Deeply Flawed Catholic Church of today different from the Evil Catholic Church of my parents' time). I despise people like Gibson, and I hate that he is making a movie about Jesus. Jesus seems like he was a tolerant guy, who wouldn't degrade gays (Braveheart) or make slavery seem quite fun (The Patriot) in his movies, and it's a shame that a bigot is the one telling the most famous adaptation of his story.

The Nervous Breakdown Watch Begins.....

So the BU Tournament kicks off in two weeks and I am the Tournament Director. This means that my fellow debaters and I must work together to create a spectacularly choreographed event. This involves the moving of 200 people into the right rooms, housing those very same 200 people, making sure there are enough judges for 5 rounds of debate for everyone, and generally making sure the whole thing doesn't go to hell. Oh, and if we don't do it right, we get no money to go to tournaments, and our reputation goes down the tubes, and it'd all be my fault.

Needless to say this puts some pressure on me. I am really interested to see how I hold up under real pressure as the tourney gets closer. I always think of myself as a fairly calm person, and that will be put to the test.

As nervous as I am, I'm aslo very excited, as it should be well run etc and will be a cool experience.

Anywho that's it for now, I know the first two posts have been alot about debate, but trust me I do other things (though not in the next two weeks).

I've been jealous by the attention that other journals get so I'm creating my own. I aslo feel I don't write enough anymore. I used to write alot in high school and I used to be proud of what I wrote, but when you are an economics major, as I am, you don't get many opportunities to express yourself through writing. Also, I feel people who know me don't know me very well. Its very hard for me to really connect with people, and I often find myself either putting up walls with people or being very awkward. Ah well.

I'm not very good at introductions, and I feel like most of the people who read this will know me anyway so I'll just jump right in to recent happenings/thoughts.

I went to NYU this weekend for debate, and it was quite fun. Debate tournaments come in two forms:the ones that make me feel like I should not be in debate, and the ones that make me want to come back. This one was of the latter kind. Megan and I did very well. We went 4-1, which I have never done before, and Megan won 11th place speaker at NYU, which is a big deal and awesome for her. The fun stuff was also good. Everybody who went was fun to hang out with and pretty chill, and there were no major disasters. So, all was good.

I also got to continue to get to know the Brandeis team, who are just the nicest people in the world. Brian from Brandeis in particular is just extremely nice, and reminds me of my friend Colin from back home in that they both don't have a bad word to say about anyone (which is just extremely hard to do) and they could make an even the most awkward of people feel comfortable around them.

Debate has made me very disconnected with my college. I got into it very early in college, and originally intended it as just another way to meet people. It just sucked me in though. Soon, I was spending lots of time and effort on it, and I haven't really let up since. It has really been great for me in a lot of ways. I've met so many awesome people that I would not have met otherwise, and I've gone to places I never would have gone to. However, I also feel like I went in too fast and never met enough people around here because it just became easy to not make the extra effort that I needed to make to meet people. I lived in upperclassman housing and didn;t have tons of freshmen all around. I don't know though, maybe I'm just a loner in general.