So I deleted a post I made on Thursday before most people could see it, because I felt it was too whiney and sad and it misrepresented things. Since then though I haven't really felt better, and I have the urge once more to put something down to express the feelings I have right now...

So, first of all, this weekend was much badness at Yale. My debating performance was abysmal, Schon lost his election, and we had to sit around a hospital for 3 hrs waiting for an MIT novice to be discharged so we could give him a ride home. So all these things just generally put me in a bad mood.

My debating performance really bummed me out this time. I'm usually not one to care that much about such things, but how I performed this weekend put me on the verge of tears after we finished. I just thought afterward about all the time, energy, and effort I put into this activity. And looking at it, it all just seems like a waste (I love many of the people I met of course but i'm seperating the activity from the people I met). To really commit yourself to something and then to realize that you're actually not very good at it is really disheartening. I just feel very embarrassed, and I feel like I won't get any respect.

Moreover it really just adds onto the list of things I am not good at. It seems really like it is impossible for me to be very good at something outside just school. I never learned how to play an instument, I'm not a good dancer, I can't act, I can't sing, I can't run fast, I can't hit a baseball. Even more important, I don't develop very many good deep connections with people. I've never even been in a long term relationship of any sort. I keep telling myself that the right person/activity will come along for me, but I am almost 20 years old, and I haven't found him/it yet. I feel like life is passing me by, and that I'll end up being lonely and unremarkable if things don't change soon.

Well, I'm really sorry for that, but I needed to say it all to something soon, and this was the first available option tonight.