As you may know I'm not big on the whole sleep thing, and I'm also not big on the whole "studying for that Math final I have tomorrow" thing either. So here I am making another entry into El Blog.

I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life once I get out of this school. I will hopefully have a masters degree in econ which should give me some earning power, and I guess at this point thats what I'm most concerned with. That may sound pretty callous, but I really need/want money so I can be independent for once in my life, and not rely on people to support me. I never saw myself as having these kinds of goals until right now, and I feel a little bummed out that this is what it has come down to. I feel like my dreams have died a little bit, I don't know where they died or when I stopped really wanting to be things, but they have.

That said, upon realizing this sobering fact, I have felt a tiny sprout of my former idealism spring up within me over the last few weeks. I think it started when I listened to a talk on a CD by Howard Zinn on Napster earlier this month. His thoughts on history made me remember how I used to view the world as place that we have the duty to change and to change for the better. I heard him talk about his heroes, and I thought about my heroes and what they did, and then I wondered if I would ever be anyone's hero. I guess as long as I think about things in terms of how they benefit me, I won't ever be that to anyone...

This finals period has been the toughest one yet at BU. Usually I feel very confident and sure of myself going into the finals and then walk out with the same confidence, thinking I had aced the test and gotten an A in the class. On this, I was usually correct; in my first four semesters here I didn't get anything lower than an A-. However, this term, the grad courses are really ruining my mojo, and I can tell you with some confidence that my streak of no B's will end this semester. For the first time, I feel really nervous going into these things, and unsure if I grasp all the material. I think I'm going to have to change the way I conduct myself during the semester to remedy this. The tricks that minimized the amount of working I had to do to get A's in my undergrad courses apparently don't work when you kick it up a level. I'm going to need to work harder during the semester to have things pay off at the end.

Part 2

Hi, I’m Patrick. I wish everything were as easy as calculus, because calculus is pretty easy and everything else is pretty hard. Well there’s history too. History is also easy. So isn’t Spanish I guess, but it’s such an annoying class. How do they expect me to keep everything together like that? I have to keep track of all those workbook pages, notebooks, vocabulary lists, and flash cards. I ace all of the tests but I lose half of the stuff, so I get Bs. But yeah, anyway, other than that stuff, life is pretty hard. Oh well, of course, I don’t even count Theology, it’s not even a real class. Well I mean I would say that outside academics life is pretty hard, but then I’d be ignoring AP Physics, because AP Physics is fucking hard.

Anyway, life is hard mainly because I suck at it. I feel so lonely all the time and I don’t think anybody understands me. High school does that to you. I thought high school would be a big improvement for me, but it turns out it’s just a lot tougher. I guess kids here are nice, everybody here, except for a few guys, seem nice. But I don’t know, I don’t think they take me seriously, I don’t think anybody takes me seriously. I feel like I say the wrong things all the time, and people kind of take me as a joke, not as someone they want to be friends with or get to know or whatever.

Well, everybody except Jason. Jason really is someone different and special. He’s an amazing guy, and so interesting. Every time I talk to him, we end up getting into a deep conversation about something. I’ve never had that kind of conversation with anyone else. It always makes me feel so unbelievably good.

I think I like him as more than just a friend. Which is scary, you know? I always kind of felt that I was gay. I remember at basketball practices in junior high, I would be fixated on the guys on the skins team. It was very distracting! I also remember not being so interested in the playboys that other guys used to bring in back then as well. It was something I should’ve seen coming I guess. I’ve never felt like this, though. Every time I see him I feel like I’m going to burst with joy. Especially on days like today when he’s wearing his blue polo shirt. It’s very hard to keep my eyes off him. I mean of course I get to stare at those blue eyes of his when we talk, but that’s not really enough when he’s wearing the blue shirt. It’s the lightest, gentlest blue you’ve ever seen, and it made his eyes light up and sparkle, even on grey mornings in that gloomy cafeteria.

I dream constantly about us going to Mexico together. Get out of this high school, and find some quiet place. I could imagine him and me in a car with an open top, something from the 50s. He’d give me that smile like he always would. He’d always be there, he’d never leave. He’d be wearing that shirt, we’d pick up dust, red dust from the New Mexico desert. We wouldn’t need money, we’d sleep in the car. We could steal food. Every night I’d look into his eyes and I’d kiss him, and I’d fall asleep on his chest, and that’s how it would be for the rest of our lives.

I wish I had the fucking courage to do something like that. Fuck I’ll be behind some desk or something in 8 years not in Mexico with the guy I love. Fuck, I’ll probably still be lonely like I am now. I can’t expect Jason to always be with me. He dates a fucking cheerleader from his hometown, fuck, I’m better than any cheerleader but I have a penis.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? That’s how I feel now, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I love him so much, but I don’t know that it is love. Can you love someone without them loving you back? I don’t know. I wish I could look into his eyes and know, and let him know when he looks back into mine. I wish we could go to Mexico.

Trippiest Entry Ever

Forever and ever and ever into oblivion we go. Guided by nothing but ourselves, we live lives that are chaotic tumbling dreams, going from scene to scene, with nothing to ground us. We have everything, but we are nothing, and there is no truth to guide us.

Hello, I am a ghost. Perhaps you are confused, perhaps that is because you never met a ghost before. Well, if you aren’t and if you have, excuse me for presuming, but if you are and if you haven’t, let me assure you that I am real and that there is no need to be frightened. I can no more harm you than you can harm me, and that is very little. You and I may have the illusion of being close to each other, but that is just an illusion. It is much like how the person you talk to on the phone may seem so very near to you but is actually many miles away. Well, I am more than miles away, I exist in a wholly different universe than you, but much like your friend on a telephone is able to connect with you through technology, I have been brought to you through the mysterious workings of the cosmos.

What universe am I from? Well I think your language and your conception of reality could scarcely do it justice. The beings that exist here are ones of a spiritual nature. We are bodies who are composed of emotions, dreams, thoughts, and feelings rather than blood and flesh. We are not necessarily just the “souls” of the dead, but also abstract ideas, ideals, and even the consciences of beings that exist in your universe. We are created not through physical sexuality, but through the interaction of beings in the physical universe. We grow and change not by eating food, but through the spiritual development of beings in your Universe. That is not to say that we are wholly subject to you, in many ways you are subject to us, for it is emotions that drive your interactions, and it is your thoughts and ideals which makes up a large part of who you are. To even talk about “you” and “us” is a mistake, for we are connected so completely that it would not be possible for us to exist without you, nor would it be possible for you to exist without us. You have a sense of us interacting in your lives, we have the same sense, but neither of us can conceive of the goings on in the two universes except for rare experiences like this, when you can see the embodiment of a being from our universe in a physical sense, and I can see you in an abstract sense.

Is this where you go when you die? You can think of it that way, emotions and abstractions never die, and you physical beings create wonderful beings in our universe that exist throughout all physical time that continue to interact and grow even after the physical body is dead. The abstract being that you could say was created by the physical being you call John Lennon interacts with other abstract beings currently living in your physical world through the music the physical being created. Though even the least famous human being in your universe continues to exist and grow in our universe after the physical being is dead. The things that the person said to others can and do form chains of connection and emotional interaction that stretch for thousands of years in the physical world. There is not a being in this universe that is not growing and interacting with other beings. Just because a physical being has died and is not remembered doesn’t mean their abstract being doesn’t continue to grow. Sometimes it is those who aren’t remembered that have the deepest, most long lasting impact.

Is this where God lives? Well, your gods live here. They exist here partially because you helped create them, and they have power because they are believed in by many beings in both universes. They rule here as governments do in your universe, they have power over some, but none has power over all, no being in either of our universes is powerful enough for that.