Well I just hit a wall with my paper on the French Revolution...and as I haven't had enough writing....a new blog entry!
I saw Feild of Dreams yesterday at my house, and it was, once again, a really powerful experience. I don't know why it touches me so much. Baseball isn't my favorite sport, I don't have any unresolved issues with my dad, and I certainly don't have a cornfeild in Iowa that talks to me. But for some reason it touches me on a spiritual level, and i always end up bawling like a little girl when I watch it. I think the major point of the movie, besides glorifying baseball, is that there is something out there beyond our understanding and more wonderful than we can imagine.
I really don't know what to make of God or what to believe anymore, but I do feel that there is something out there. I wish there were better answers than we have today, and I wish there was a way to explore the spiritual side of the world without having to deal with religious people. Religious people, especially those associated with my favorite religion...the Catholic one, espouse really scary versions of God/spirituality. Jesus seems like a good guy, but alot of the other stuff would give people the willies. There are things like people being crucified for refusing to deny abstract theological concepts, laws that don't permit people like me to be happy without condemning myself to hell, and of course Jesus coming back when you least expect it and sending lots of people to eternal punishment. It's all very depressing, and frankly far too simple and exact.
I refuse to believe that a God who has presided over a world with 10000 belief systems would set out a code of laws as exact as "don't eat pork" or "Worship me on Sunday." The answer has to be more complex for so many cultures of people to have so many different spins on the thing. I think I love movies like Feild of Dreams b/c they skirt my notion of what God is in the closest way possible without becoming too specific. They tell us to not worry because there is something watchign over us that is benevolent and beautiful.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Saturday, April 03, 2004
So, when I was searching for somehing to write about last night, my friend Chris gave me the good idea to write about some really old memories. I had already started writing on something, so I decided to leave it until today...
So let me introduce you to 6th grader Dennis of Holy Family School. He is someone few of you know, and ever fewer remember. He was shy, cripplingly shy. It was a disposition built up and reinforced over many years of being one of the social have nots in the cruel world of grade school. When he talked to people who weren't one of his few friends, it usually inspired ridicule. He wasn't quite certain why....it just did. He was fairly miserable, and he cried alot. But he did it in private, and hid it from others. He didn't think he was gay, but he knew he was different. He loved watching the shirtless guys at basketball practice, and he had no interest in the Playboys some of the other guys smuggled around.
It was this sixth grade Dennis that was invited, along with the rest of his 6th grade class, to a 12th birthday party for Alicia, a girl in his class at HFS. It was going to be at a hall, at night,with music and (gasp!) dancing. You can imagine how he recieved such an invitation. He crumpled it up in his backpack, and didn't want to look at it again.
As fate would have it, his mother found the invitation and told him that she wanted him to go. This time he couldn't hide it; he cried and told her he didn't want to go. He couldn't express how he felt, or why he didn't want to go, because it was too painful. He didn't have to, she knew why he didn't want to go, and though her eyes welled up in tears as well, she still insisted that he go. He went to bed that night, terrified of the party.
When the night came, he felt like a prisoner going to the gallows. He hoped the car ride over would last forever, but, unfortunately for him, it would only last the usual 5 minutes. As he saw the hall getting closer, slightly lit up in the cold winter/early spring night, he became sick to his stomach. Inevitably the car stopped in fron of the hall, and he was let out. He went up the stairs, took a deep breath, and entered...
Inside it was not quite as horrible as he had imagined. There seemed to be alot of people in the same boat, not knowing what to do at such an odd event, where the lights were turned down and slow music was playing. He got comfortable, and even started to talk with people. When people started to dance though, he got uncomfortable again. He didn't quite know what to do or how to handle things. He mainly just tried to pass the time as best he could without any major disasters.
A group of guys saw him, and insisted that he dance wth Alicia. He smiled nervously, but they wouldn't take "no" for an answer. As a song slowed down and she was standing by herself, they pushed him towards her. She looked up, smiled, and they started dancing. He really couldn't believe it. It all seemed very unreal and unexpected. For him, the song seemed to last for hours. He was filled with excitement. It wasn't a sexual thing, it was the idea that SHE would dance with HIM that made it so electrifying for him. He had thought that nobody would ever want to do such a thing.
That night when he went home, he told his parents he had a good time. He went upstairs and laid down on his bed. He just stayed there awake for many minutes, drenched in a happy feeling he had never known before.
So let me introduce you to 6th grader Dennis of Holy Family School. He is someone few of you know, and ever fewer remember. He was shy, cripplingly shy. It was a disposition built up and reinforced over many years of being one of the social have nots in the cruel world of grade school. When he talked to people who weren't one of his few friends, it usually inspired ridicule. He wasn't quite certain why....it just did. He was fairly miserable, and he cried alot. But he did it in private, and hid it from others. He didn't think he was gay, but he knew he was different. He loved watching the shirtless guys at basketball practice, and he had no interest in the Playboys some of the other guys smuggled around.
It was this sixth grade Dennis that was invited, along with the rest of his 6th grade class, to a 12th birthday party for Alicia, a girl in his class at HFS. It was going to be at a hall, at night,with music and (gasp!) dancing. You can imagine how he recieved such an invitation. He crumpled it up in his backpack, and didn't want to look at it again.
As fate would have it, his mother found the invitation and told him that she wanted him to go. This time he couldn't hide it; he cried and told her he didn't want to go. He couldn't express how he felt, or why he didn't want to go, because it was too painful. He didn't have to, she knew why he didn't want to go, and though her eyes welled up in tears as well, she still insisted that he go. He went to bed that night, terrified of the party.
When the night came, he felt like a prisoner going to the gallows. He hoped the car ride over would last forever, but, unfortunately for him, it would only last the usual 5 minutes. As he saw the hall getting closer, slightly lit up in the cold winter/early spring night, he became sick to his stomach. Inevitably the car stopped in fron of the hall, and he was let out. He went up the stairs, took a deep breath, and entered...
Inside it was not quite as horrible as he had imagined. There seemed to be alot of people in the same boat, not knowing what to do at such an odd event, where the lights were turned down and slow music was playing. He got comfortable, and even started to talk with people. When people started to dance though, he got uncomfortable again. He didn't quite know what to do or how to handle things. He mainly just tried to pass the time as best he could without any major disasters.
A group of guys saw him, and insisted that he dance wth Alicia. He smiled nervously, but they wouldn't take "no" for an answer. As a song slowed down and she was standing by herself, they pushed him towards her. She looked up, smiled, and they started dancing. He really couldn't believe it. It all seemed very unreal and unexpected. For him, the song seemed to last for hours. He was filled with excitement. It wasn't a sexual thing, it was the idea that SHE would dance with HIM that made it so electrifying for him. He had thought that nobody would ever want to do such a thing.
That night when he went home, he told his parents he had a good time. He went upstairs and laid down on his bed. He just stayed there awake for many minutes, drenched in a happy feeling he had never known before.
Friday, April 02, 2004
Well I am in a writing mood again, so here goes.
So as you go along in life your goals become much humbler. When I was a kid I really wanted to be something extraordinary. I wanted to have a real impact on the world, and be one of those people you remember in history books. However, now that I am met with reality, I have come to forget such goals. My life isn't about making a serious impact, that's far too big. I just want to end up in a situation where people respect my ability, where I can pay my bills and put a roof over my own head, and where there are some people who love me.
Those are modest goals compared with the image I had of myself in high school/grade school. That Dennis was going to storm the barracades for what's right. He was going to be a senator or a congressman...the one that would finally do things the way they should be done, with no corruption or anything. He was going to be a rebel, a leader, a fighter.
As the years have gone by, this image of myself has faded away. I've come to realize that what's right isn't always clear. I don't feel very strongly about much in politics and society these days. What I feel in my gut to be the right thing to do always seems so dangerous, and what my mind tells me is probably the best, my heart refuses to accept. I've also come to realize how difficult things really are, and how the problems of the world aren't totally caused by the corruption in Washington. Finally, I've come to realize how much corruption there actually IS in Washington, and how we'll be hard pressed to change such things, even if we all made a concerted effort.
As I've gotten older, I've also come to recognize that, in general, what the polticians in Washington or Boston do rarely affects my life in a significant way (exception...Gay Marriage...which is why I still do really feel strongly about that issue). Personal happiness is rarely given to people by a political movement except in extraordinary cases. Where the vast majority of people have their impact is not on the public stage, but in the interactions of their everyday lives.
I guess that means that my dream of changing people's lives has not really changed, but rather it has matured. I still wish to be remembered, but not by the history books or by the general populace...who cares what the public thinks after all...they are usually morons as a collective and bad judges of character. I want to be remembered by individuals. I want someone to think so highly of me that they name one of their kids after me. I want people to think back at who I was when they knew me and smile or desire to give me a call. I want to feel like I truly love and understand someone, and I want someone to feel the same about me....hopefully the same person.
So as you go along in life your goals become much humbler. When I was a kid I really wanted to be something extraordinary. I wanted to have a real impact on the world, and be one of those people you remember in history books. However, now that I am met with reality, I have come to forget such goals. My life isn't about making a serious impact, that's far too big. I just want to end up in a situation where people respect my ability, where I can pay my bills and put a roof over my own head, and where there are some people who love me.
Those are modest goals compared with the image I had of myself in high school/grade school. That Dennis was going to storm the barracades for what's right. He was going to be a senator or a congressman...the one that would finally do things the way they should be done, with no corruption or anything. He was going to be a rebel, a leader, a fighter.
As the years have gone by, this image of myself has faded away. I've come to realize that what's right isn't always clear. I don't feel very strongly about much in politics and society these days. What I feel in my gut to be the right thing to do always seems so dangerous, and what my mind tells me is probably the best, my heart refuses to accept. I've also come to realize how difficult things really are, and how the problems of the world aren't totally caused by the corruption in Washington. Finally, I've come to realize how much corruption there actually IS in Washington, and how we'll be hard pressed to change such things, even if we all made a concerted effort.
As I've gotten older, I've also come to recognize that, in general, what the polticians in Washington or Boston do rarely affects my life in a significant way (exception...Gay Marriage...which is why I still do really feel strongly about that issue). Personal happiness is rarely given to people by a political movement except in extraordinary cases. Where the vast majority of people have their impact is not on the public stage, but in the interactions of their everyday lives.
I guess that means that my dream of changing people's lives has not really changed, but rather it has matured. I still wish to be remembered, but not by the history books or by the general populace...who cares what the public thinks after all...they are usually morons as a collective and bad judges of character. I want to be remembered by individuals. I want someone to think so highly of me that they name one of their kids after me. I want people to think back at who I was when they knew me and smile or desire to give me a call. I want to feel like I truly love and understand someone, and I want someone to feel the same about me....hopefully the same person.
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