So, we left off with P-ton, either overconfident or afraid of our craziness. They ran a case about the draft, and we won it in a toss up. This lead to our semis round, which was about education taxation, which we lost in a toss up.

When it was all over we were the 8th place team, not half bad. After we watched Blenkinpov win Nats in a case about Harvard, and then we recieved our awards. To be honest I hadn't felt such a sense of accomplishment in many years. Debate was something that was difficult for me to do, yet I fought to get better and became part of one of the best teams in the country. All of the friends I had cried to in frustration over my debate career were now congratulating me for some genuine success by any standard. It was an indescribable feeling......

In recent days I've been a little sad. I'm starting to wonder what my emotional maturity level is and what I actually want out of the relationships I have with people. I'm in dire need of more genunine connection in my life. But I'm also faced with the fact that, in general, I don't seek out that connection actively. In many ways I'm afraid and very scared, I don't know how to approach people without seeming very awkward.

I saw myself in a debate round a few days ago, and I finally realized why so many people react to me the way they do. My mannerisms were very odd and confused, at times my eyes wandered and darted crazily about, sometimes moving without explanation or reason. For many of you that know me, your reaction is probably "Duh!", but for me the tape revealed a lot of things about the way people veiw me that I never knew before. It made me understand how different I was from normal people in the way I talked and moved and made eye contact. I wondered if that was the reason why I so often made a bad first impression with a lot of people, and have trouble integrating in a lot of groups.

I also sometimes wonder now if I'm ready for any sort of significant relationship. Ijust feel sometimes that I'm too odd for a lot of people. Many just don't understand me, and end up not feeling very deeply, or I can't convey my feelings without going overboard. I also am constantly in second place to someone else. But what else is new? I hate to repeat themes that run throughout this blog, but they keep coming up. I find someone I like, we see each other for a week or two and invariably we eventually stop talking. Why? Well either nothing was there, or there was someone else who they felt was more worthy pursuing. Something's wrong. I might be too cold and aloof at times, I also might be too weird, I could also just be too awkward when I first meet people.

Whatever it is, I find myself with very little genuine sources of joy in my life anymore. My relationship with my family has turned into a cold one, they seem to have lots of advice, and I'd like to live up to their expections, but I'm not really there yet, and I feel I'll never be. At school I really find myself to be all alone for far too much time. I don't think people dislike me, I just think I never reached out enough, or if I did, nobody noticed. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one walking alone. I walk by, and nobody seems to notice, my cellphone rarely rings, and I don't know who to run to when I need to cry....so here I am.