So I talked about this last night in a drunken stupor, so I think it deserves some intelligent or at least coherent analysis. What few people know about me is that several times when I was younger, I seriously considered becoming a priest. Now, when I say seriously considered, I mean as seriously as a 9 or 10 year old can consider things. It was sort of on the same level as wanting to be an astronaut. Now the reason why this pops up now is because of all the thinking I have been doing about the Catholic Church, with it in the news so much lately. I even wondered a few nights ago, if my life would have been happier had I attempted to follow that path.

Now, of course, the priesthood would be out of the question. If for nothing else, there would be way too many awkward moments at cocktail parties where a random guy would say “Hey! Didn’t I hook up with you at party X in college?” And being a good priest, I would have to respond: “Why, yes. Yes, that did happen.”

But seriously, I wonder if the things I think give me happiness actually do give me happiness. I always thought that sex and a relationship with another human being would be the real sticking point. Ever since the middle of high school, I always really wanted someone else who I loved and who loved me back in my life. However, it has proved impossible since then to actually find that. The pursuit has been fun at times, but it’s mostly been awkward and kind of sad. I’m now wondering if it’s not really for me, and if the whole thing is more misery than it deserves. I’ve wasted so much of my life pining after certain people who I could never have.

Also, I’ve gradually found that a lot of material things: food, alcohol, clothes etc. don’t really bring me much in the way of joy. That’s a little cliché and obvious, but it’s worth saying.

Finally, there’s really no purpose to my life. I’ve slowly lost passion in a lot of things. There’s no cause I truly believe in anymore, nothing I feel so sure about anymore.

I feel like if I had taken up an alternate path, there would’ve been something to believe in and something to give purpose and order to my life. Unfortunately the Catholic Church is really just terrible in so many ways such that it would be impossible for me to be a part of it. I would have to renounce and deny who I am, and preach against others like me. It would be too much of a betrayal.