The blogs haven't come out as often as they used to, I realize, and that is because of papers etc. As Lyndon Johnson might have said about this situation, the blog is my one true love, but I have to spend all my time with that bitch.

Sometimes life can be very frustrating. I feel sometimes I am trapped in a repeating pattern of things, and I don't know how to get out. The same pattern of over-shyness, not meeting enough people, not working hard enough to find my niche, not handling relationships well, and putting things off come up again and again. I should have figured out now how to fix such things or how to make things easier. But often the answers are hard to figure out, and even when I do figure the answers out they are so inexplicably hard for me to get to doing. Sometimes it's just easier for all of us to stay the way we are, but often that isn't what is going to make us happy in the long run.

There is a phrase from the movie Shawshank Redemption that constantly rings in my head these days. I think it was the Morgan Freeman character who said "Get busy living or get busy dying." I think it rings so true these days because I feel like I'm letting valuable time in my life, when I could be having so many great experiences, slip away from me. This feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I've lost soo much time already. There have been sooo many moments in my life where I've felt like if I had done things a little differnently things would've been immensely better. I don't want to have any more of those moments. It's really time to change.

Ah Blog how I have neglected you!!

It has been and will be a busy time for me, as I write papers I have put off for far too long. So, I better make this a good entry for those of you looking for procrastination into exam week.

One of the things I really miss is sleepovers. Sure now we may crash at each others places and such, but its really not the same as it used to be, man. A sleepover back when I was 10-15 was an event, it was something to get excited about. The sleepover wasn't obligatory as a result of some other thing, as it is now. It was the very purpose of the visit. I dunno what made such things so cool, or so infinitely better than most visits I had with my friends, but there was clearly something there that made them special.

I think part of the reason was that you got to see your friends in a way that you didn't usually see them. There were little things like being able to rebelliously stay up past 3am playing video games or whatever. There were also somewhat significant things like seeing your friends without all the distractions that usually accompany visits you had with them. When night fell there wasn't any basketball, any school stuff, nor was there the cloud of having to go home soon hanging over your head . When night fell it was just you and them, and sometimes the things that would come out of those visits were just wonderful......

Spring has clearly sprung, and its a lovely time of year (if it weren't for all the freakin work). Now, sitting in my room, the sound of my roomate's fan and the scent of the fresh air wafting through the window really brings back all the wonderful memories that accompany summer nights. There's the wiffleball, the sleepovers, the late night ice cream runs, the movies, the slow lazy walks down suburban streets with your friends. It all comes rushing back to me when I feel and smell all the stuff that goes along with summer.

I always feel wonderful when this time of year comes around again. Late winter is so dead and devoid of the same smells, feelings, and memories. In early winter there are alot of good things that come to mind, like Christmas and all the wonderful snowy memories, but by the time March comes along everything is sad and winter is like an unwanted guest that won't leave. Here's to late April, for kicking that guy out!

Another day...another post...more random commentary/stories

I'm so afraid to act and make the first move (or the second move or the third move) when it comes to people. I never quite got when people wanted to be better friends/hook up/etc. unless it was expressed to me explicitly, and I think it has caused me to miss out on many things and probably still does. I guess I have this irrational fear of being rejected, and am slightly neurotic, Woody Allen style......

Crushes that will never come to fruition suck (cross-apply my earlier post on straight crushes....shit, did I just say "cross-apply").....

Many people that I know have told me that I should write fiction of some sort, some even as a result of this blog dealy. I've tried many times before, but it always comes out contrived/too directed towards some specific idea. I think that's what happens when you take too many writing/english classes. You start to believe that good literature comes from people conveying some coded message through a story. However I don't think thats what it's really about, and I don't care what the authors say afterward. Good stories and good literature are meant to touch people in ways that can't be defined by an essay or anything else, because otherwise they would've just written an essay and told you what they wanted to express rather than beating around the bush.

I also think a big thing I've been missing is honesty. I think it was Mr. Brennan back in high school who said that the reason Hitler never cut it as an artist was because he too much of a coward to expose what was inside of him in his art. Hence, he went on a minority killing and conquering-spree to cover up the demons inside. The point is, when you write or whatever, I think you have to be honest, and the last few times I've tried it I haven't been honest in expressing my feelings through my writing. I think now I finally am confident enough to do such things. So, I think I'll try once more....stay tuned.........